Daddy just did a post on His point of view about little space and wanted me to write my own blog about it. Been a long time coming, since i haven’t really had time to write much lately and i apologize for that.

What is a little anyway? A little is someone who mentally age regresses. Someone who goes through periods of time where they feel more child/teen like than adult and enjoy all of the things that go along with being someone of that age or age range. Some littles identify more like babies/toddlers (around the new born to four years of age), some identify as a little bit older (five to nine years). Others are typically known as middles and identify somewhere around ten to sixteen years of age. This is not a defined scale as everyone will have their own range that they feel defines them better in their dynamic. Pets also tend to be grouped in as littles, as they to need a caregiver to thoroughly be able to enjoy their head space more easily.

When did i first realize that i was a little? Not talking about my kitten side as a little, i have always had more innocent and child like qualities to my personality. To indulge that side of my personality, i would have friends come over and watch Disney movies and do different crafts. i would walk through the kids sections and baby sections in stores and admire all the toys and soft plushies and blankets, and i was always easily excitable over anything that reminded me of my childhood. When Daddy and i first started O/our dynamic, i always wanted to call Him Daddy, even before i ever knew that there was a DDlg community. It wasn’t until about a year ago that i started seeing a lot more littles online and came across a lot of memes about Daddys and littles that i really started putting two and two together. i would send some of these memes that i really connected with to Daddy and see what He thought about them. He would give a little chuckle or think they were really cute, but never really said too much more about them. i also started chatting a lot more with Daddy’s and my little friend in England around this time. Daddy was getting a lot of experience with her as she was going through a period where she was in little space quite a bit while talking to Him. Daddy and i would be at work and talking to her online through out the day when it was a bit slower. Through some of the chats i would notice myself getting pulled into little space and would start talking back to her in a more innocent like voice and with word pronunciations that i hadn’t used since my mother had taught me to speak them properly. It was an amazing feeling to slip into a much simpler mind set that felt so natural to me. Daddy would make comments here and there about my head space and give knowing smiles about what i was going through.

What are some of the struggles i’ve had with finding my inner little? Well my first real little space moments happened at work while chatting to my little friend. Things would get a bit complicated when a customer would walk in and i would have to chat with them like the adult that i looked like i was. At times it would throw my emotions for a loop being pulled back into an adult head space so suddenly and would leave me feeling a bit confused. i also had a hard time at first with different triggers that would pull me out of my head space. i learned pretty quickly that i am not a sexual little. When in little space anything sexual tends to bring me out of my head space and leaves me feeling a bit down. i also tend to have problems when Daddy calls me kitten while i am in little space. i feel like part of that is that it is a trigger for being in kitten space and part of it is that i am also sexual in kitten space. The only other big struggles have been that of O/our business life. W/we do own O/our own retail store and sometimes business makes it hard to have my little time when needed.

How would i describe my little space? i would say that i am still discovering my little side. i used to say that i was age 3-7. i liked stuffies and blankies and sippy cups. i liked colouring and watching Disney in blanket forts. Too old to be into pacis or diapers or onesies/jumpers, but too young and not independent enough to be a middle. i still slip into that side of my little space at times, but i now sometimes slip into a younger head space where i love my pacis and adult onesies and all i want is to cuddle and be silly. i don’t wear diapers when in this head space, not because i have a problem with it, i just don’t feel like it is something that i am missing in my mind set. Being in my little space is the most freeing feeling. Outside of impact play and some other adult like scenes, it is the only time that i completely let go of all my stresses of my adult life and can just be silly, innocent and happy, worry free. i’m not sure how all of that stuff just disappears out of my head, but it is an incredible experience.

What kinds of things do i do in little space? This all depends on the schedule, if W/we have to do any errands and what kind of head space i am in. Activities include; colouring, lego, play-doh, crafts, baking (with Daddy of course), watching movies, having Daddy read books to me, playing with my stuffies, cuddling, shopping with Daddy, dressing cute and playing games. Daddy took me and O/our England friend to build-a-bear and W/we also went to a petting zoo while in England. There are so many fun things to do with a little. Usually i put my hair up in pigtails or a ponytail with bows. Daddy will fill up my sippy cup and use my little dishes for meals.

The last thing i want to touch on is the newest evolution in my mind sets. i have noticed lately that i can be in little space and suddenly will do something that triggers my kitten head space to come out. They don’t seem to stay out at the same time, but more like a light switch. It has been pretty confusing and usually i just slip right back into the first head space after a moment. i have heard of some people have both head spaces coincide at the same time and i am not sure if that is what might start happening for me, or how that will work, but i guess time will tell.

Thank Y/you for reading and hope this helps out anyone else who may be going through trying to figure out their own head spaces.

The first time i saw this question posted, my immediate response was “duh, the Dominant/Master has the power.” Then i read the comments below and was shocked and confused by what i was reading. i would say about 75% of the responses said the submissive has all the power, 15% saying the power is equal and about 10% saying the Dominant has all the power. This question has popped up on sites way more times than i would ever have thought since then and it always seems to be the same for responses.

So why is there so much confusion in this question? Why does 75% of people who respond to this feel that the power in a dynamic is completely with the submissive?

i am sure that some of the confusion is that people are not paying attention to those three little words ‘in a dynamic’, bu i have a few theories outside of that to answer those questions. One being that people are talking about negotiations and limits that are created before the submission takes place. In which case, yes, the submissive has power there, because they have not submitted yet and are not yet in a dynamic with the Dominant. i would hope they would have power still, because they haven’t given over their power and not having power at this point would make it abuse. To somewhat quote a friend: Limits are a picture of the dynamic drawn by the Dominant and the submissive. The picture/dynamic is then coloured by the Dominant, however they wish. Limits are not power. A dynamic is called a power exchange for a reason. If you are a submissive and you feel that you have all of the power in the dynamic, than you should feel like you aren’t getting what you need, because a submissive person craves to give their power to a Dominant and trust that They will take care of you. If you like feeling like you have the power in the dynamic, than maybe you are not as submissive as you think? If You are a Dominant in a dynamic and You feel like the submissive has all the power, than maybe your submissive has not handed You the power that they should have when they submitted to you. If you don’t feel like You have the power in the dynamic than You should probably evaluate why You feel that way and figure out whether it is working for You.

The second theory i have is that people are looking at safe words being used in a dynamic. A safe word gives a submissive the power to end a scene whenever they want, which means that a submissive has all the power right? Wrong. A safe word is not a power word. It is a safe word, to be used when a submissive is unsafe mentally/physically or they have reached their limit mentally/physically in a scene. If a safe word is being used to have control over the Dominant or a scene, than it is time to look at communication and discipline, because the submissive is now topping from the bottom and not living up to their side of the power exchange.

The other comment i have read is that a submissive can end the power exchange at any point, which gives them all the power. Well the Dominant can also end the power exchange at any point. This means that their is no longer a dynamic and you are supposed to have your power back. It is no longer a case of anyone having the power in the dynamic, if there is no longer a dynamic.

Now, i agree that being submissive in a dynamic can feel very powerful, because as a submissive, we are getting exactly what we need in our dynamic. It is a very intense feeling to have that kind of connection with someone who you trust that much, but it is not the same thing as having power in the dynamic. Also, being really cute and adorable may get you something you really want now and then, but that is called being in a relationship with someone who loves you, not power in your dynamic.

Bottom line is that being in a (D/s, M/s) dynamic means that negotiations are done and a submissive has handed over their power to the Dominant. Giving the submissive what? No more power in the dynamic. If your Dominant tells you to do something, you do the thing. That is power, that is what a submissive craves. Yes Sir imma do the thing, because You said so and i need to feel like a good girl/boy.

Thanks for reading and if you liked this blog post then please subscribe.

Kitten play is something i came across early on in my journey and fell in love with right away. A lot of times when i tell people that i am into kitten play, they ask me all kinds of questions about it. Things like; what is it? What makes you a kitten? What is involved in kitten play? Do you use a litter box? So here i am going to explain a bit about kitten play in general and also what it is like in my dynamic.

So what is kitten play in a dynamic or scene? It is where one person is in the mind set of a kitten or just role play with kitten cosplay and the other person is in the mind set of an owner/caregiver or sometimes just enjoy seeing their partner in kitten cosplay. There is a wide range of how kitten play is used in dynamics from, just wearing cat ears and acting cute, all the way to wearing a full cosplay and entering a complete mind set of a kitten, where they cannot care for themselves at all.

What is kitten cosplay? Kitten cosplay can involve any of the following; cat ears, cat tail (plug or detachable), paw mitts (or just mitts that make your hands stay in a fist shape), leg restraints so that a kitten can only walk on their knees, fur leggings (usually knee or thigh high, which allows the kitten to wear knee pads to protect their knees from the hard ground), a collar and a leash. A kitten can be naked otherwise or sometimes will complete the outfit with cute panties, maybe a bra or maybe just cute garters with bells around the boobs. Some kittens will even do their make up to give them some extra kitten features.

How does one act like a kitten? There are many things that someone can do to make themselves more kitten like. Things like; head bumps (gently pushing your head into your partner), kneading your partner with your paws (curling your fingers into an almost fist and lightly curling your knuckles against your partner), curling up into a fetus position against your partner and maybe even rolling from that onto your back against them, swatting playfully at zippers and other dangling things on your partners clothing, playing with cat toys, squinting at your partner (like a cat does when showing they trust you), pushing into their hand when they pet you (including full body pets and pushing wherever the hand goes), licking your partner, even light nips (especially places like their chin, nose or elbows), playfully grabbing (with paws, no thumbs!) their hand when they touch your belly and many other things. Basically mimic any behaviors that you see a cat/kitten do.

How does one communicate as a kitten? Obviously a cat can’t speak any human languages, which includes motions like nodding or shrugging or giggling (which yes can be hard to stop yourself from doing as a new kitten), so we have to improvise. Meowing, purring (if you can, if not make a sound that is similar that you and your partner knows is you purring), hissing, growling, panting. As for communicative actions, you have pawing, kneading, nudging with your nose. Be creative. The more you play with your partner, the easier time they will have knowing what your meows and other communications mean. An example with my Daddy is that when He asks me a yes or no question, if the answer is yes, i meow. If the answer is no, i do nothing.

How can your partner participate in kitten play? There are the easy things like; petting you, scratching you lightly, patting you on the bottom, etc. There are also things like playing fetch (yes, you can do this with a cat to, just keep in mind, a cat won’t always bring it back), getting a toy on a stick (the ones with handles that have long dangly things and maybe even a mouse on the end), laser pointers (just be careful about your partners eyes). Even giving them cat like challenges like; jumping onto or off of a taller piece of furniture or act like a cat in heat. Teaching them tricks is even a great way to interact with your kitten. Think about what kinds of things you would do with an actual cat/kitten and incorporate them into your dynamic (with in reason of what the human body can actually do obviously).

Other aspects that can be incorporated into kitten play, depending on how serious into it you and your partner are, is things like having cat bowls for food and water, using a litter box or having your own cat bed (modified sizing is probably needed). It can be as simple or as complex as you wish for it to be.

As for my dynamic, Daddy and i do basically all of it, except for using a litter box. i have a full cosplay (ears, tail, mitts, leggings, modified panties for my tail to fit through, knee pads, collar and leash). Sometimes W/we use the whole outfit, sometimes just use certain pieces. As soon as my kitten collar goes on, i have a whole set of rules to follow for kitten play. These rules include things like; no talking or human like actions to communicate, if W/we are at someone’s house, i am not to go on furniture without being invited (in kitten play) and i must stay on all fours (except when doing tricks). i have bowls that i eat and drink out of (note: if you have pets, you may want to keep an eye that they are not using the bowls to). Daddy teaches me tricks and plays fetch or tries to get me to catch the toys in my mouth or bat them back to Him with my paws. Play time can be a very good work out as a kitten!

Kitten play is just one form of pet play. Some people do puppy play, mouse play, pony play, large cat breed play, bear play, wolf play and many more. Some people are also hybrid animals during pet play. i have also heard of people who are a dinosaur or a bat or even a fish. So keep an open mind if you feel pet play may be something that you would enjoy!

So here is where the real progress begins. i finally found some books about these really Dominant men who were very possessive and protective of their women. Hmm sounded like something i would like. i couldn’t put the books down, one after the other i finally found what i was looking for and a little information on this being a lifestyle for some…. i’m sorry what?! Yes please!! Problem is, i didn’t know anyone who i could trust with this kind of relationship, who wouldn’t break my heart. Until i met Him. Yes i am talking about Daddy.

It started off as a night out with that girl friend i told Y/you about. It was her birthday and halloween. So of course W/we dressed up as gothic whores and went out dancing and drinking. Except tonight He was meeting us at the bar. i’d never met Him before and didn’t think anything of it. That was until He started walking towards us all confident and mysterious looking. W/we danced and drank and danced some more. Until oops my friend was telling us that we needed to cool it before we got kicked out? Apparently His hand was down my skirt and my hair fisted in His one hand, while His other hand was around my neck… How did that happen? Yes it was that powerful from the night W/we met.

W/we kept things casual at first, just friends with some fun benefits. Or i guess, i kept it casual. i didn’t want a relationship, just some fun. Until He didn’t want to do just fun and was ready to end things between U/us. Amazing how quickly my mind told me how silly i was being. W/we didn’t start off as D/s though. He actually didn’t even know anything about it and i was still learning a lot myself.

W/we started off as vanilla, with a little bit of kink thrown in. Went to a sex club, bought a cute little flogger, bought a few other toys along the way. Slowly i started introducing Him to some of my books, just to see if it interested Him. It did, very much, but He kept telling me that i was too stubborn to be that obedient. He was right, as much as i wanted it, i always pushed back when it came down to trying it out for a scene. It was very frustrating for me. He wasn’t worried. He was happy with the way things were, and so was i, but i also really wanted what i was reading in my books and i knew He was interested in that as well.

The next few years were very stressful. W/we started a business together (a retail store at that) and Daddy’s mum became terminally ill and had to move in with U/us to help take care of her. Oh, and to top it off, W/we decided to throw O/our wedding in the mix as well. Which was amazing, but didn’t help with the stress. Three years into having the business and all the struggles that come along with it, a year into having His mum living with U/us and bed bound from her illness and right after the wedding excitement was over, i was feeling exhausted. Stressed beyond belief and ready to have a breakdown. So what was the next logical step? W/we decided to try out the D/s dynamic once and for all.

A lot of people told U/us W/we were crazy to throw that in the mix of everything else. The thing is, it provided more structure in O/our lives where there wasn’t before. It actually really helped relieve a lot of the stress W/we were having. It also felt so nice to have clear expectations and rules in place for me to follow. There weren’t a lot of rules, because that would cause more stress by having to remember that much more. It was amazing. There were some bumps in the road as W/we both tried to figure out O/our roles better. W/we joined some websites and made friends and mentors in the lifestyle. That helped U/us through a lot of O/our initial bumps and concerns. W/we continued to read everything W/we could about BDSM and slowly learned which sources were good and which were not so good. Daddy had me start a journal, which i still write in every second night. The journal is my safe place to write down all of my feelings, concerns, excitements, or whatever i need. He reads what i write in it without judgement and if there is something He feels W/we need to talk about, He opens a discussion on it. W/we have really good communication and He can read my feelings like a book, so most of the stuff is not a surprise to Him, but it is still nice to have. i also have a document that Daddy did up with rules that He put in place (things like; at meals i am not to eat until He has had His first bite, when W/we go out for food, i am not to order for myself, i am to tell Him what i want and He orders for me, etc.) and another document with a weekly schedule of things that He wants me to do (things like; laundry, housework, self care, etc). Some of these rules started from the very beginning, some were incorporated later on. He also gives me tasks every now and then to do. Sometimes it is to write a story about (enter topic here) or draw a picture of something, write a blog, or other similar things. Daddy knows that i enjoy being creative, so He tends to play on that most of the time.

W/we started off as mostly in the bedroom, with a few rules and guidelines outside of that. Oh and Daddy did not want to be called Daddy. It was weird to Him. He has kids (teenagers) who call Him that. So Daddy was Master. It didn’t feel right to me though. It felt to impersonal in a way. So W/we tried out Sir, but He wasn’t happy with that as it is a title He wanted me to use when it came to other Dominants. So W/we were a little stuck on with that for a while. It didn’t take very long before there were a few more rules and things that were meant more for outside the bedroom.

W/we got into impact play early on. W/we already had one little flogger, but decided to add a few more impact toys and explored with that. i absolutely fell in love with it and Daddy realized He had quite a bit of Sadist in Him! i think the stress relief that W/we both were able to get out of it played a huge factor in O/our love of it.

W/we came across kitten play a few months in, which was amazing to me. He had always told me that i was like a kitten with the way i cuddled and reacted to Him and this play really hit home. It was all happening so fast and each time something new was introduced, it threw U/us for a loop in how to incorporate it into what W/we already had. Now, of course, i had to get myself some kitten play toys to add to O/our fast growing collection.

Then came Christmas time. Daddy wanted to make it official and collar me. W/we didn’t want a neck collar, because family would be weird about it and with O/our retail store, W/we didn’t want a locked collar on my neck, but W/we did want something that locked. So W/we went on Etsy and found a beautiful locked anklet (store name; To Be His). It came to U/us a few months later (as they need time to make it in your size) and i have been wearing it ever since, 24/7!

A few months later W/we learned a little bit more about DD/lg (Daddy Dom/ little girl) dynamics. This intrigued me a lot as i did tend to have my little girl moments with a lot of things in life (stuffed animals, crafts/colouring, movies, etc.). Daddy and i had been talking to another little online quite a bit and He was also intrigued by the idea. He loved caring for me as His kitten and absolutely loves being a Dad, but His kids are more grown up and independent now. He started by buying me a stuffie (a bernese mountain dog named Banjo) and some colouring books and crayons. He called me His little one when i was in my little space and W/we watched my favourite kids movies together. Daddy really liked little space time and decided that He wanted to try out the title Daddy, i guess Y/you know how that turned out! It was a struggle at first of being able to get into and out of the head space, but it gets easier with time. W/we have also had struggles of Daddy identifying my little space at times and not pulling me out with ‘adult talk’ (whether that be work, drama or sexy talk), but again it takes time to learn and be able to follow those head spaces. i remember the first time i was in little space and Daddy called me kitten. Even something that simple confused my head space as i am sexual in kitten play, but not little space.

Last month, W/we went to visit that little friend i just told Y/you about. W/we were in England for two week and spent some of that time with her. The first compromise was names. Daddy had called her little one from the time He started talking to her in little space, but as His submissive, that should be my name right? Yes and no. It felt weird to me to take the name, knowing that He called her that before i ever had little space time with Him. So i went through some names in my head and asked Daddy what He thought about calling me pumpkin. He was surprised at first that i was willing to give up the little one title, but when i explained that it was her title first and i liked the name pumpkin, He was very happy with it as well. It was a very emotional and exciting experience to visit with O/our friend. W/we spent two weekends with her. The first weekend, W/we spent a good amount of time in little space together and it was super fun, like having an adopted sister. W/we did all kinds of activities from colouring, to going to build-a-bear, to a petting zoo at a park where we could feed the animals. W/we put bows in O/our hair had a blast playing together. i remember being told ahead of time by someone that it might not be as fun as i think, because littles tend to get super jealous of sharing their Daddy time. Funny thing is, in little space, i had no jealousy of any attention given to O/our friend. i did, however have a harder time with the attention given while not in little space. There are a few things to keep in mind here. i am with Daddy 24/7. W/we work together, eat together, sleep together and communication is constant for everything. For the weekend visit, W/we did all this with my little friend. She also slept in the same bed as U/us. This meant that W/we had no private communication through the entire weekend, which W/we are not used to at all. So yes it was a bit hard at times and emotional, but i wouldn’t change it for the world. At least i know i could never be poly.

During the rest of O/our visit, W/we had an impact session one night. This was the first time using O/our new cane. My new favourite toy by the way. Daddy really enjoyed this session. It was the first time that He was able to get me to a state of hysterical laughter. No matter where or how hard He hit with the cane, i was laughing. It was also the first impact scene where i hit non-responsive sub space multiple times, as well as hit it once during after care in the bath. i don’t know if it was just from how relaxed W/we were, being on vacation or what, but it was pretty amazing.

W/we also had another night with super aggressive, face slapping, ass spanking sex, where i hit non-responsive sub space after it was done. i didn’t even know that was possible. i was also feeling slighter levels of sub space just from Daddy scraping His nails down my arm or grabbing the back of my neck firmly. Daddy and i usually have a lot of stress in O/our lives, so my guess would be that the state of relaxation had a lot to do with this.

Now W/we are back to reality. Working a lot and busy all the time. i am missing the attention i was able to get on vacation, but know it is impossible to stay in la la land forever. i am excited for the future and to continue to grow in O/our dynamic and life!

This will be part one of two blogs. Here i will explain my early years of exploring and part two will be my real journey into submission. i want to write this for a couple of reasons. One, everyone’s journey is different and it is always nice to read about how others come into the lifestyle and why they wanted to in the first place. Two, i have been seeing a lot of posts online of people feeling confused about titles they should be using or where they fit in the wide spectrum of the lifestyle. As a new person in the lifestyle it can be very overwhelming. Especially for someone who hasn’t even explored much of their kinky side first. First of all, everyone who you talk to who has been in the lifestyle a while all seem to know exactly where they fit. But also, everyone tends to ask you as a first question…”How do you identify?” or “What are you into?” It is completely ok to tell people that you are just learning about the lifestyle and haven’t learned enough to figure that out yet. Don’t worry about trying to find a title for yourself or trying to explain exactly ‘what’ you are to people. Tell them instead that you are new and just want to learn more until you have figured out exactly what it is that has piqued your interest about BDSM. Be prepared for people online to call you fake or be completely rude to you as a newbie. A lot of these people may be newbies themselves and just haven’t taken the time to learn like you are trying to. Or maybe they have been alone for a while and have become bitter about not finding their perfect match. That is a them problem, so try not to take it personally.

With this said, the title does say ‘my’ journey into submission. So here goes.

Lets go back to my first serious relationship. My high school sweetheart. The guy i first lost my virginity to. i was 17 at the time and very excited to start exploring my sexual side a little deeper than i had been. Sex was always, in many positions, in many places, in many outfits and with many new toys. Or so i thought when it came to toys. my 17 year old brain thought exciting toys were different types of vibrators and dildos…i mean what else is there right? Oops, i know better now! i spent a good year at this pace with him, having the time of my life. Thinking that it was kinky to play one of those cheesy couples sex games or the sexy dice. Eventually, i got bored. It wasn’t as fun and i didn’t know why. We were still trying new things all the time, but it just wasn’t doing anything for me. i started asking him to be more aggressive with me, started instigating sex in more public places and trying to add in different role play fun and still i felt like something wasn’t quite right. i now realize that the main issue was that all of the ideas and direction were coming from me, which was why it didn’t feel very natural. After two and a half years, i decided it was time to move on. No the sexual aspect was not the only reason for that, but you don’t care about the details there.

For the next year two year i slutted out. Yes i said slutted. About a year of that was with about 9 different partners and the other year i found myself 3 buddies i went between. This may be a lot to some of you, and may not seem like much to others, but to me it was quite a few since i had only had one partner to start with.

Throughout that time i had many different experiences. A guy who was aggressive and fun, but when i pushed back a bit he didn’t stand up to me the way i’d hoped. A guy who wanted to wear lingerie and hooker boots while he had sex with me. A guy who would not let me take my hand off my clit through the whole thing and bruised my thighs with his boney hips during missionary sex, A guy who apparently had a sleeping disorder and fell asleep on me (that was highly offensive to me at first when i didn’t know the situation). Still, nothing seemed to be standing out as something i was looking for…

There was a friend i had who was a professional body painter, who was always throwing parties. One night, at one of his parties, i met a guy who was into UFC fighting and really cute. The guy was an ass, but i wasn’t looking for a relationship with him. Part way through the night, he pushed me hard against a wall and had his hand at my neck and started kissing me. DAMN, but didn’t my head just go ‘yup, you can do whatever you want to me’. As another girl walked by and said ‘Ooh that’s hot!”. Yes, yes it was. We took the party elsewhere when things got a little more heated though *wink*. At another party i explored some girl on girl action for an audience of guys which was fun. Then another night my painter friend offered me tickets to a fetish party in Montreal. i never slept with anyone there, but i did learn a lot about other people and their sexuality, which was intriguing. i decided to play it safe and danced with a gay guy all night who was much bigger than me and kept the other guys away.

i started reading a lot after this. Started finding out about a lot more kinks and toys that i had no idea even existed before that. Like a kid in a candy store, i was so excited about the stuff i was learning, but i didn’t have someone i was close enough to or trusted enough to try any of it with. So i settled for sex buddies and fun that still didn’t involve all the gizmos and gadgets.

i was enjoying having as many experiences as i could find. i had a threesome, i had a girl who was a friend that i used to play with for guys and then i would leave and let her have fun while i called on a buddy of my own. One guy lifted me off the ground with one hand while fingering me with the other…Oh…That power felt exciting. Another guy lived across the street from my Aunt and Uncle and i used to talk to him a lot. He had a very cute puppy… One day he pushed me into the back of his van and started kissing me hard…yup that does it.

i was starting to see a trend of what really worked for me. At this point though, i still hadn’t come across BDSM and the community of people who were into it. It made it difficult to really know where to look or even explain to guys what i liked… i want you to control me more, didn’t come off as very interesting to guys. So the journey continued and i kept doing my thing and avoiding relationships as i struggled to figure out what i was actually looking for.

i have heard a lot of people recently in the lifestyle, both new and not so new, who talk about not wanting a safe word with their partner. i don’t understand at all why someone would say this and there really is no reason to not have one outside of just not wanting to use one. The thing is, even if you have one, doesn’t mean you ever have to use it.

What is a safe word? A safe word is a set word or multiple set words in a dynamic or even casual play session, that a submissive/bottom can say to completely stop whatever is going on from continuing.

Why use a safe word? Why not just say stop/no? A lot of play in the BDSM and kink world can be based off of the thrill of being controlled or ‘forced’ into things. And a lot of people enjoy being able to say things like stop/no without actually having their partner stop what they are doing.

Usually there are three designated words set. The first word is to let the Dominant/top know that you are doing good and want them to continue. The second word is to let the Dominant/top know that you are coming close to your limit and they should let up a bit or change course of what they are doing. The third word is to let the Dominant/top know that you have reached your limit and need them to stop now. Most people will use Green (for keep going), Yellow (for getting close to their limit) and Red (for stop now). Of course, you can always make up your own words if you do not like these. When i first started out, i chose three of my own words and that was great for a while, but when scenes started getting more intense i started getting really confused with my words and would end up calling out all three, because i couldn’t remember which was which. Needless to say, i am back to the simple and easy stop light system.

A safe word is meant to be used only if the submissive/bottom is close to reaching a limit of theirs or has reached a limit. It can also be used in situations where physical or mental health is a concern for the submissive/bottom. It is never to be used by a (submissive) as a way to control the Dominant. The safe word is always set ahead of time and a submissive/bottom should be reminded of what the safe words are before each scene, at least until Y/you are confident that they know them off by heart. my Dominant would even ask part way through sessions if i remembered my safe words as a way of checking in on me. Safe words can be used during play sessions, during punishments or any other time for that matter. A lot of people only think of a safe word as being used during a play session to let a Dominant/top know that T/their play partner is reaching or has reached their limits. A lot of people also seem to believe that a safe word should not be allowed during punishment. i highly disagree with this, because it is very common in O/our lifestyle to have some mental health issues as well as common for people in O/our lifestyle to have traumatic pasts. With that in mind, there are many things in O/our style of play that can trigger things like PTSD or anxiety and panic. If a submissive is having a PTSD moment during a punishment, would a caring Dominant want them to push through and possibly cause more trauma? Absolutely not! By not allowing a submissive to use a safe word in certain areas, You may do more harm than You ever meant to. Trust is so important and it could be this easy to lose that trust.

So what do I do if My submissive is using safe words when they are not needed? Some submissive’s, especially if they are new to the lifestyle or if they have a tendency to push boundaries, might try this. i suggest that any time a (stop) safe word is spoken, that the Dominant have a conversation with the submissive about why they felt the need to safe word. If they say something like “it hurts” during a physical punishment, You may decide to tell them that is not a good reason to use a safe word, because the punishment is meant to hurt. If the submissive is balling their eyes out and looking panicked or scared, because the punishment triggered memories of past abuse, You may want to consider that being the end of the punishment and not using physical punishments in the future. Of course this is completely up to Yourself and how Your conversation goes with your submissive. In any case, communication is key and talking about the use of the safe word will help both of Y/you learn a lot for future scenes.

What if my submissive refuses to safe word even when they really should be? There is a lot of negative feelings that come a long with safe wording for some people. A lot of submissive’s may feel disappointed in themselves or be afraid of disappointing their Dominant by using their safe word. When i first started out, i was very stubborn against using my safe word. i would thrash around (as much as restraints allowed) and yell and growl rather than safe word. As hilarious as this probably looked, it was not a good way to do it. i was hitting my limits, but refusing to give in to them out of stubbornness. It takes time to build up tolerance to things and it is ok to use your safe word when you need to. No one should ever be disappointed in you for it. A good Dominant will be disappointed if They think you should have used a safe word and you don’t. So how did my Dominant break me of this habit? He had me hold a very hard pose for as long as i could. i was not allowed to break my pose until i had used my safe word to say that i couldn’t hold it any more. This exercise really helped me realize how important it was to my Dominant that i use my safe word when it is needed. i didn’t dare break my pose without using my safe word first.

The other reason a submissive may not use their safe word is if they are in deep sub space. There are many levels of sub space and as you have more scenes with a submissive/bottom, you will start to learn their reactions and limits on your own. At first though, you will need to constantly be checking in on them by having them answer questions or do actions (like nodding) for you to make sure that they are still in a mind set that will allow them to safe word if they feel the need to. When you start getting no response to your questions or actions, it may be time to end the scene until you have both learned more about each others limits and body. my Daddy always did this at the beginning and there were a couple of times that i felt disappointed that He had stopped, but W/we would talk over the scene and each time He would learn a little more about how far He could push me and it made it very safer for future scenes.

So what if my submissive/bottom is gagged? Makes it a little harder to yell out a safe word right? In this case it is a good idea to think about safe actions. For this, you will need to think about what your submissive/bottom is capable of. Are they blindfolded? Are they restrained? Are they gagged? Each of these things needs to be taken into consideration for your safe action to work. Some ideas that people use for this are; the ball drop (make them hold a ball and if they need to safe word, they drop the ball), blinking or winking a particular way, humming through a gag, tapping you x number of times with their hand if they aren’t restrained, but can’t speak. Use your imagination and play safe!

Finally, i have heard someone say before, my submissive refuses to pick a safe word because they don’t want one. How do i make them use one? Well You can try the exercise i just mentioned to make them use one, but forcing them to pick one when they don’t want to could be a little harder for a new Dominant. i say for a new Dominant, because a Dominant with experience will usually have techniques that will make the submissive choose one. If You are uncomfortable with trying to make them choose one, choose one for them, or simply use the stop light system. they may not want one, but if something ever happens mid-scene that causes them panic or otherwise, i am sure they will be happy it is there.

i personally have not been to any formal BDSM events or clubs, so i only understand minimal details on the etiquette side of them. i have, however engaged in a lot of online communities and websites, so for now i will only be talking about the online etiquette and mannerisms of the BDSM community.

The biggest question i see from P/people who are just starting out in the online community is in regards to the use of capitals and lower cases when addressing someone. When it comes to addressing a Dominant, They should always receive a capital letter at the beginning of Their name, as well as when referring to a Dominant or multiple Dominants with pronouns. Ex; He/She, Him/Her, They, Their, Them, I, You. When it comes to addressing a submissive, they should always receive a lower case for the first letter of their name, as well as when referring to a submissive or multiple submissives with pronouns. Ex; he/she, him/her, they, their, them, i, you. When referring to two or more people who are both Dominant/s and submissive/s, it is proper to use both capitals and lower cases. Ex; U/us, O/our, W/we, T/them, T/their. A Capital/lower case is also used online when you are unsure if the person is Dominant or submissive as a way to be respectful of the possibility that T/they may be a Dominant. This is the proper use of capitals and lower cases, whether Y/you are a Dominant or a submissive. With this said, there are many disrespectful people out there. i have on many occasions shown a self proclaimed Dominant respect online, only to have them disrespect me and/or my Daddy. At this point they lose my respect and i will stop using a capital when addressing them, if i continue to address them at all.

The next big question i come across online is the use and misuse of titles. When trying to be respectful of a Dominant, Sir/Ma’am are the proper and most taught titles to use. Whether Y/you are single or not and whether Y/you are Dominant or submissive, they show respect to the Dominant Y/you are talking to. A lot of times Sir/Ma’am and Their first name is used as a way to make it more formal and less like talking to your own Dominant as well as used for one Dominant being respectful to another Dominant. Not every Dominant will want those titles and will let Y/you know what They prefer to be called. If You are a Dominant who does not like to be called Sir/Ma’am, it is polite to thank the submissive for the title, but to call You by (enter Name here). Likely a Dominant will prefer to be called by Their name or nickname in this case. Sometimes it will be by Mr/Miss or something of that nature. They should never ask Y/you to call them something like Master/Mistress or Daddy/Mommy. Those are dynamic titles when talking to people online and should not be used outside of a dynamic. There are only two situations where a Dominant should receive a Master/Mistress title outside of Y/your own dynamic. One, if the Dominant is a well known Master/Mistress and has earned that title in whatever community Y/you are talking to Them in. Even then, it would be Master/Mistress along with Their name and not just the title on its own. Two, you are in a dynamic and your Dominant tells you to refer to another Dominant by that title for whatever reason. The other Dominant should also be ok with you using this title for Them. Some Dominants do not allow Their submissive to call another Dominant Sir/Ma’am, so if a submissive calls You Mr/Miss or something similar, or even no title at all, do not take offense. This is still meant to be respectful coming from an owned submissive or even from a submissive who is unowned, but was taught this by a previous Dominant. Again, a Dominant outside of a dynamic should never request a title, they should be freely given out of respect or not used at all.

Titles are also used for submissive’s. However, submissive titles tend to be pet names and are not to be used on a submissive that You are not in a dynamic with. Pet names; baby, sweetie, hunnie, baby girl/boy, little one, dear, love, kitten, etc are considered to be very disrespectful in the BDSM community when used outside of a dynamic and will cause P/people to be very upset with Y/you, very quickly. Other titles for submissive’s include humiliation names. Ex; pig, slut, whore, etc. These names can be used in a dynamic for humiliation or as terms of endearment, but are very disrespectful to use on someone that You are not in a dynamic with.

Proper etiquette for private messaging/ friend requesting online. A private message/friend request should never be sent to anyone online without publicly asking permission to the person first. If the answer is yes, and only if the answer is yes, should Y/you then send Y/your message or friend request. A Dominant should not engage in any private conversations or friend requests with an owned submissive or a submissive who is formally under protection, without their Dominant’s/Protector’s permission. Some dynamics go as far as not allowing the submissive to privately chat with anyone without first having permission by the Dominant, if at all. At the other end, some dynamics do not require permission from their Dominant/Protector and can give Y/you permission on their own. In any case, it is always more polite and appreciated to ask first.

Lastly, i would like to address any single Dominant’s and submissive’s. i see a lot of Y/you online who are desperate to find a connection with another. i know it can be hard to be alone and see all these posts of others in T/their happy dynamics, but no one is happy to get a message begging T/them to Dominate you or demanding Y/you submit to them. i have heard of so many Dominants and submissive’s receiving these messages and have even had messages myself from submissive’s, begging me to Dominate them. i am a submissive and a collared one at that. i am not about to Dominate anyone. Most of these messages get ignored or a very disrespectful response in return to the disrespectful request. Be polite, use Y/your manners and be patient. Y/you are not going to find a happy ending by trying to rush into things with P/people Y/you don’t know anything about.

So there Y/you have it. The basics in BDSM online etiquette. Stay safe and enjoy the online communities available to Y/you.