So here is where the real progress begins. i finally found some books about these really Dominant men who were very possessive and protective of their women. Hmm sounded like something i would like. i couldn’t put the books down, one after the other i finally found what i was looking for and a little information on this being a lifestyle for some…. i’m sorry what?! Yes please!! Problem is, i didn’t know anyone who i could trust with this kind of relationship, who wouldn’t break my heart. Until i met Him. Yes i am talking about Daddy.

It started off as a night out with that girl friend i told Y/you about. It was her birthday and halloween. So of course W/we dressed up as gothic whores and went out dancing and drinking. Except tonight He was meeting us at the bar. i’d never met Him before and didn’t think anything of it. That was until He started walking towards us all confident and mysterious looking. W/we danced and drank and danced some more. Until oops my friend was telling us that we needed to cool it before we got kicked out? Apparently His hand was down my skirt and my hair fisted in His one hand, while His other hand was around my neck… How did that happen? Yes it was that powerful from the night W/we met.

W/we kept things casual at first, just friends with some fun benefits. Or i guess, i kept it casual. i didn’t want a relationship, just some fun. Until He didn’t want to do just fun and was ready to end things between U/us. Amazing how quickly my mind told me how silly i was being. W/we didn’t start off as D/s though. He actually didn’t even know anything about it and i was still learning a lot myself.

W/we started off as vanilla, with a little bit of kink thrown in. Went to a sex club, bought a cute little flogger, bought a few other toys along the way. Slowly i started introducing Him to some of my books, just to see if it interested Him. It did, very much, but He kept telling me that i was too stubborn to be that obedient. He was right, as much as i wanted it, i always pushed back when it came down to trying it out for a scene. It was very frustrating for me. He wasn’t worried. He was happy with the way things were, and so was i, but i also really wanted what i was reading in my books and i knew He was interested in that as well.

The next few years were very stressful. W/we started a business together (a retail store at that) and Daddy’s mum became terminally ill and had to move in with U/us to help take care of her. Oh, and to top it off, W/we decided to throw O/our wedding in the mix as well. Which was amazing, but didn’t help with the stress. Three years into having the business and all the struggles that come along with it, a year into having His mum living with U/us and bed bound from her illness and right after the wedding excitement was over, i was feeling exhausted. Stressed beyond belief and ready to have a breakdown. So what was the next logical step? W/we decided to try out the D/s dynamic once and for all.

A lot of people told U/us W/we were crazy to throw that in the mix of everything else. The thing is, it provided more structure in O/our lives where there wasn’t before. It actually really helped relieve a lot of the stress W/we were having. It also felt so nice to have clear expectations and rules in place for me to follow. There weren’t a lot of rules, because that would cause more stress by having to remember that much more. It was amazing. There were some bumps in the road as W/we both tried to figure out O/our roles better. W/we joined some websites and made friends and mentors in the lifestyle. That helped U/us through a lot of O/our initial bumps and concerns. W/we continued to read everything W/we could about BDSM and slowly learned which sources were good and which were not so good. Daddy had me start a journal, which i still write in every second night. The journal is my safe place to write down all of my feelings, concerns, excitements, or whatever i need. He reads what i write in it without judgement and if there is something He feels W/we need to talk about, He opens a discussion on it. W/we have really good communication and He can read my feelings like a book, so most of the stuff is not a surprise to Him, but it is still nice to have. i also have a document that Daddy did up with rules that He put in place (things like; at meals i am not to eat until He has had His first bite, when W/we go out for food, i am not to order for myself, i am to tell Him what i want and He orders for me, etc.) and another document with a weekly schedule of things that He wants me to do (things like; laundry, housework, self care, etc). Some of these rules started from the very beginning, some were incorporated later on. He also gives me tasks every now and then to do. Sometimes it is to write a story about (enter topic here) or draw a picture of something, write a blog, or other similar things. Daddy knows that i enjoy being creative, so He tends to play on that most of the time.

W/we started off as mostly in the bedroom, with a few rules and guidelines outside of that. Oh and Daddy did not want to be called Daddy. It was weird to Him. He has kids (teenagers) who call Him that. So Daddy was Master. It didn’t feel right to me though. It felt to impersonal in a way. So W/we tried out Sir, but He wasn’t happy with that as it is a title He wanted me to use when it came to other Dominants. So W/we were a little stuck on with that for a while. It didn’t take very long before there were a few more rules and things that were meant more for outside the bedroom.

W/we got into impact play early on. W/we already had one little flogger, but decided to add a few more impact toys and explored with that. i absolutely fell in love with it and Daddy realized He had quite a bit of Sadist in Him! i think the stress relief that W/we both were able to get out of it played a huge factor in O/our love of it.

W/we came across kitten play a few months in, which was amazing to me. He had always told me that i was like a kitten with the way i cuddled and reacted to Him and this play really hit home. It was all happening so fast and each time something new was introduced, it threw U/us for a loop in how to incorporate it into what W/we already had. Now, of course, i had to get myself some kitten play toys to add to O/our fast growing collection.

Then came Christmas time. Daddy wanted to make it official and collar me. W/we didn’t want a neck collar, because family would be weird about it and with O/our retail store, W/we didn’t want a locked collar on my neck, but W/we did want something that locked. So W/we went on Etsy and found a beautiful locked anklet (store name; To Be His). It came to U/us a few months later (as they need time to make it in your size) and i have been wearing it ever since, 24/7!

A few months later W/we learned a little bit more about DD/lg (Daddy Dom/ little girl) dynamics. This intrigued me a lot as i did tend to have my little girl moments with a lot of things in life (stuffed animals, crafts/colouring, movies, etc.). Daddy and i had been talking to another little online quite a bit and He was also intrigued by the idea. He loved caring for me as His kitten and absolutely loves being a Dad, but His kids are more grown up and independent now. He started by buying me a stuffie (a bernese mountain dog named Banjo) and some colouring books and crayons. He called me His little one when i was in my little space and W/we watched my favourite kids movies together. Daddy really liked little space time and decided that He wanted to try out the title Daddy, i guess Y/you know how that turned out! It was a struggle at first of being able to get into and out of the head space, but it gets easier with time. W/we have also had struggles of Daddy identifying my little space at times and not pulling me out with ‘adult talk’ (whether that be work, drama or sexy talk), but again it takes time to learn and be able to follow those head spaces. i remember the first time i was in little space and Daddy called me kitten. Even something that simple confused my head space as i am sexual in kitten play, but not little space.

Last month, W/we went to visit that little friend i just told Y/you about. W/we were in England for two week and spent some of that time with her. The first compromise was names. Daddy had called her little one from the time He started talking to her in little space, but as His submissive, that should be my name right? Yes and no. It felt weird to me to take the name, knowing that He called her that before i ever had little space time with Him. So i went through some names in my head and asked Daddy what He thought about calling me pumpkin. He was surprised at first that i was willing to give up the little one title, but when i explained that it was her title first and i liked the name pumpkin, He was very happy with it as well. It was a very emotional and exciting experience to visit with O/our friend. W/we spent two weekends with her. The first weekend, W/we spent a good amount of time in little space together and it was super fun, like having an adopted sister. W/we did all kinds of activities from colouring, to going to build-a-bear, to a petting zoo at a park where we could feed the animals. W/we put bows in O/our hair had a blast playing together. i remember being told ahead of time by someone that it might not be as fun as i think, because littles tend to get super jealous of sharing their Daddy time. Funny thing is, in little space, i had no jealousy of any attention given to O/our friend. i did, however have a harder time with the attention given while not in little space. There are a few things to keep in mind here. i am with Daddy 24/7. W/we work together, eat together, sleep together and communication is constant for everything. For the weekend visit, W/we did all this with my little friend. She also slept in the same bed as U/us. This meant that W/we had no private communication through the entire weekend, which W/we are not used to at all. So yes it was a bit hard at times and emotional, but i wouldn’t change it for the world. At least i know i could never be poly.

During the rest of O/our visit, W/we had an impact session one night. This was the first time using O/our new cane. My new favourite toy by the way. Daddy really enjoyed this session. It was the first time that He was able to get me to a state of hysterical laughter. No matter where or how hard He hit with the cane, i was laughing. It was also the first impact scene where i hit non-responsive sub space multiple times, as well as hit it once during after care in the bath. i don’t know if it was just from how relaxed W/we were, being on vacation or what, but it was pretty amazing.

W/we also had another night with super aggressive, face slapping, ass spanking sex, where i hit non-responsive sub space after it was done. i didn’t even know that was possible. i was also feeling slighter levels of sub space just from Daddy scraping His nails down my arm or grabbing the back of my neck firmly. Daddy and i usually have a lot of stress in O/our lives, so my guess would be that the state of relaxation had a lot to do with this.

Now W/we are back to reality. Working a lot and busy all the time. i am missing the attention i was able to get on vacation, but know it is impossible to stay in la la land forever. i am excited for the future and to continue to grow in O/our dynamic and life!

This will be part one of two blogs. Here i will explain my early years of exploring and part two will be my real journey into submission. i want to write this for a couple of reasons. One, everyone’s journey is different and it is always nice to read about how others come into the lifestyle and why they wanted to in the first place. Two, i have been seeing a lot of posts online of people feeling confused about titles they should be using or where they fit in the wide spectrum of the lifestyle. As a new person in the lifestyle it can be very overwhelming. Especially for someone who hasn’t even explored much of their kinky side first. First of all, everyone who you talk to who has been in the lifestyle a while all seem to know exactly where they fit. But also, everyone tends to ask you as a first question…”How do you identify?” or “What are you into?” It is completely ok to tell people that you are just learning about the lifestyle and haven’t learned enough to figure that out yet. Don’t worry about trying to find a title for yourself or trying to explain exactly ‘what’ you are to people. Tell them instead that you are new and just want to learn more until you have figured out exactly what it is that has piqued your interest about BDSM. Be prepared for people online to call you fake or be completely rude to you as a newbie. A lot of these people may be newbies themselves and just haven’t taken the time to learn like you are trying to. Or maybe they have been alone for a while and have become bitter about not finding their perfect match. That is a them problem, so try not to take it personally.

With this said, the title does say ‘my’ journey into submission. So here goes.

Lets go back to my first serious relationship. My high school sweetheart. The guy i first lost my virginity to. i was 17 at the time and very excited to start exploring my sexual side a little deeper than i had been. Sex was always, in many positions, in many places, in many outfits and with many new toys. Or so i thought when it came to toys. my 17 year old brain thought exciting toys were different types of vibrators and dildos…i mean what else is there right? Oops, i know better now! i spent a good year at this pace with him, having the time of my life. Thinking that it was kinky to play one of those cheesy couples sex games or the sexy dice. Eventually, i got bored. It wasn’t as fun and i didn’t know why. We were still trying new things all the time, but it just wasn’t doing anything for me. i started asking him to be more aggressive with me, started instigating sex in more public places and trying to add in different role play fun and still i felt like something wasn’t quite right. i now realize that the main issue was that all of the ideas and direction were coming from me, which was why it didn’t feel very natural. After two and a half years, i decided it was time to move on. No the sexual aspect was not the only reason for that, but you don’t care about the details there.

For the next year two year i slutted out. Yes i said slutted. About a year of that was with about 9 different partners and the other year i found myself 3 buddies i went between. This may be a lot to some of you, and may not seem like much to others, but to me it was quite a few since i had only had one partner to start with.

Throughout that time i had many different experiences. A guy who was aggressive and fun, but when i pushed back a bit he didn’t stand up to me the way i’d hoped. A guy who wanted to wear lingerie and hooker boots while he had sex with me. A guy who would not let me take my hand off my clit through the whole thing and bruised my thighs with his boney hips during missionary sex, A guy who apparently had a sleeping disorder and fell asleep on me (that was highly offensive to me at first when i didn’t know the situation). Still, nothing seemed to be standing out as something i was looking for…

There was a friend i had who was a professional body painter, who was always throwing parties. One night, at one of his parties, i met a guy who was into UFC fighting and really cute. The guy was an ass, but i wasn’t looking for a relationship with him. Part way through the night, he pushed me hard against a wall and had his hand at my neck and started kissing me. DAMN, but didn’t my head just go ‘yup, you can do whatever you want to me’. As another girl walked by and said ‘Ooh that’s hot!”. Yes, yes it was. We took the party elsewhere when things got a little more heated though *wink*. At another party i explored some girl on girl action for an audience of guys which was fun. Then another night my painter friend offered me tickets to a fetish party in Montreal. i never slept with anyone there, but i did learn a lot about other people and their sexuality, which was intriguing. i decided to play it safe and danced with a gay guy all night who was much bigger than me and kept the other guys away.

i started reading a lot after this. Started finding out about a lot more kinks and toys that i had no idea even existed before that. Like a kid in a candy store, i was so excited about the stuff i was learning, but i didn’t have someone i was close enough to or trusted enough to try any of it with. So i settled for sex buddies and fun that still didn’t involve all the gizmos and gadgets.

i was enjoying having as many experiences as i could find. i had a threesome, i had a girl who was a friend that i used to play with for guys and then i would leave and let her have fun while i called on a buddy of my own. One guy lifted me off the ground with one hand while fingering me with the other…Oh…That power felt exciting. Another guy lived across the street from my Aunt and Uncle and i used to talk to him a lot. He had a very cute puppy… One day he pushed me into the back of his van and started kissing me hard…yup that does it.

i was starting to see a trend of what really worked for me. At this point though, i still hadn’t come across BDSM and the community of people who were into it. It made it difficult to really know where to look or even explain to guys what i liked… i want you to control me more, didn’t come off as very interesting to guys. So the journey continued and i kept doing my thing and avoiding relationships as i struggled to figure out what i was actually looking for.

i have heard a lot of people recently in the lifestyle, both new and not so new, who talk about not wanting a safe word with their partner. i don’t understand at all why someone would say this and there really is no reason to not have one outside of just not wanting to use one. The thing is, even if you have one, doesn’t mean you ever have to use it.

What is a safe word? A safe word is a set word or multiple set words in a dynamic or even casual play session, that a submissive/bottom can say to completely stop whatever is going on from continuing.

Why use a safe word? Why not just say stop/no? A lot of play in the BDSM and kink world can be based off of the thrill of being controlled or ‘forced’ into things. And a lot of people enjoy being able to say things like stop/no without actually having their partner stop what they are doing.

Usually there are three designated words set. The first word is to let the Dominant/top know that you are doing good and want them to continue. The second word is to let the Dominant/top know that you are coming close to your limit and they should let up a bit or change course of what they are doing. The third word is to let the Dominant/top know that you have reached your limit and need them to stop now. Most people will use Green (for keep going), Yellow (for getting close to their limit) and Red (for stop now). Of course, you can always make up your own words if you do not like these. When i first started out, i chose three of my own words and that was great for a while, but when scenes started getting more intense i started getting really confused with my words and would end up calling out all three, because i couldn’t remember which was which. Needless to say, i am back to the simple and easy stop light system.

A safe word is meant to be used only if the submissive/bottom is close to reaching a limit of theirs or has reached a limit. It can also be used in situations where physical or mental health is a concern for the submissive/bottom. It is never to be used by a (submissive) as a way to control the Dominant. The safe word is always set ahead of time and a submissive/bottom should be reminded of what the safe words are before each scene, at least until Y/you are confident that they know them off by heart. my Dominant would even ask part way through sessions if i remembered my safe words as a way of checking in on me. Safe words can be used during play sessions, during punishments or any other time for that matter. A lot of people only think of a safe word as being used during a play session to let a Dominant/top know that T/their play partner is reaching or has reached their limits. A lot of people also seem to believe that a safe word should not be allowed during punishment. i highly disagree with this, because it is very common in O/our lifestyle to have some mental health issues as well as common for people in O/our lifestyle to have traumatic pasts. With that in mind, there are many things in O/our style of play that can trigger things like PTSD or anxiety and panic. If a submissive is having a PTSD moment during a punishment, would a caring Dominant want them to push through and possibly cause more trauma? Absolutely not! By not allowing a submissive to use a safe word in certain areas, You may do more harm than You ever meant to. Trust is so important and it could be this easy to lose that trust.

So what do I do if My submissive is using safe words when they are not needed? Some submissive’s, especially if they are new to the lifestyle or if they have a tendency to push boundaries, might try this. i suggest that any time a (stop) safe word is spoken, that the Dominant have a conversation with the submissive about why they felt the need to safe word. If they say something like “it hurts” during a physical punishment, You may decide to tell them that is not a good reason to use a safe word, because the punishment is meant to hurt. If the submissive is balling their eyes out and looking panicked or scared, because the punishment triggered memories of past abuse, You may want to consider that being the end of the punishment and not using physical punishments in the future. Of course this is completely up to Yourself and how Your conversation goes with your submissive. In any case, communication is key and talking about the use of the safe word will help both of Y/you learn a lot for future scenes.

What if my submissive refuses to safe word even when they really should be? There is a lot of negative feelings that come a long with safe wording for some people. A lot of submissive’s may feel disappointed in themselves or be afraid of disappointing their Dominant by using their safe word. When i first started out, i was very stubborn against using my safe word. i would thrash around (as much as restraints allowed) and yell and growl rather than safe word. As hilarious as this probably looked, it was not a good way to do it. i was hitting my limits, but refusing to give in to them out of stubbornness. It takes time to build up tolerance to things and it is ok to use your safe word when you need to. No one should ever be disappointed in you for it. A good Dominant will be disappointed if They think you should have used a safe word and you don’t. So how did my Dominant break me of this habit? He had me hold a very hard pose for as long as i could. i was not allowed to break my pose until i had used my safe word to say that i couldn’t hold it any more. This exercise really helped me realize how important it was to my Dominant that i use my safe word when it is needed. i didn’t dare break my pose without using my safe word first.

The other reason a submissive may not use their safe word is if they are in deep sub space. There are many levels of sub space and as you have more scenes with a submissive/bottom, you will start to learn their reactions and limits on your own. At first though, you will need to constantly be checking in on them by having them answer questions or do actions (like nodding) for you to make sure that they are still in a mind set that will allow them to safe word if they feel the need to. When you start getting no response to your questions or actions, it may be time to end the scene until you have both learned more about each others limits and body. my Daddy always did this at the beginning and there were a couple of times that i felt disappointed that He had stopped, but W/we would talk over the scene and each time He would learn a little more about how far He could push me and it made it very safer for future scenes.

So what if my submissive/bottom is gagged? Makes it a little harder to yell out a safe word right? In this case it is a good idea to think about safe actions. For this, you will need to think about what your submissive/bottom is capable of. Are they blindfolded? Are they restrained? Are they gagged? Each of these things needs to be taken into consideration for your safe action to work. Some ideas that people use for this are; the ball drop (make them hold a ball and if they need to safe word, they drop the ball), blinking or winking a particular way, humming through a gag, tapping you x number of times with their hand if they aren’t restrained, but can’t speak. Use your imagination and play safe!

Finally, i have heard someone say before, my submissive refuses to pick a safe word because they don’t want one. How do i make them use one? Well You can try the exercise i just mentioned to make them use one, but forcing them to pick one when they don’t want to could be a little harder for a new Dominant. i say for a new Dominant, because a Dominant with experience will usually have techniques that will make the submissive choose one. If You are uncomfortable with trying to make them choose one, choose one for them, or simply use the stop light system. they may not want one, but if something ever happens mid-scene that causes them panic or otherwise, i am sure they will be happy it is there.

First and foremost, for those who don’t know, little’s are adults that age regress to someone typically between 2 to 12 years of age.  It is an opportunity to turn off your adult brain and go into a “safe zone” where you don’t have to worry about the daily problems of the world.  Little’s are not limited by a specific sex, or a specific dynamic and are not limited to just submissive’s.  But, for the purpose of this bog, we are going to talk about the larger majority of little’s being those that are submissive either looking at getting into a D/s dynamic or already involved in a D/s dynamic.

A lot of new Dominants have no idea what a little is or how they deal with one.  There is no magical instruction book that goes along with this unfortunately.  Each little is highly unique in their needs, wants and what is allowed while in little space.  What I mean by “allowed” is what they feel comfortable with.  These things will need to be figured out and understood before it is recommended that you interact with them in little space.

The most important thing to learn about your little that you are interacting with is whether or not they are sexual while in little space.  The larger majority of little’s are non-sexual and any talk about sexuality or physical advances will result in a negative experience for them.  Sometimes it will abruptly and negatively break them out of the head space while other times they will just get VERY grumpy.  You always want to do what is best for your little to make the experience positive for you and for them.

My submissive is a non-sexual little so I have had to learn quite a bit.  She is usually in the age range of about 6 years old.  When in little space she requires quite a bit of care and I am the caregiver for her.  She is still submissive and will follow rules and structure but the rules have to be catered to her age.  Communication must also be tailored to her age.  In my dynamic, it is real life 24/7 but I will provide a bit more information for those of you that are looking at long distance relationships/dynamics.  Long distance is a bit harder and requires a few additional things to keep in mind.

What things does my little require of Me?  (Unique to My dynamic but pretty universal)

  • Caring and understanding.
  • Communication appropriate for her age regression.
    • No sexual talk.
    • Smaller words and CLEAR communication that can be interpreted.
  • Entertainment appropriate for her age.
    • Kids movies and TV shows.
    • Activities such as coloring, crafts or games.
  • Child specific items.
    • Blankies.
    • Stuffies.
    • Non-leaking cups, child plates, child utensils.
    • Food and drink appropriate to keep them in the head space.
  • Rewards for good behavior or completing tasks.
    • Stickers.
    • Sweets.
    • Hugs and tickles work well.

You may be thinking “Man, this sounds like a LOT of work.  Why do you do it?”.  The answer to that is VERY simple for Me and it may be very different for anyone else.  I identify as a Daddy Dom because I enjoy it.  My own children are grown up and I always adored being a Dad.  The pure innocence of children is a beautiful thing and I cherish it.  Having My submissive feel comfortable and trusting enough for Me to take care of her while she is little is a honor.  Keeping them comfortable in the head space can be a challenge at first but you will get it eventually.

Long distance relationships with a submissive who is also a little.  Being in a real life scenario can be quite a bit easier then what would be required of you but with that said, it is VERY manageable.  The first thing you need to figure out is your little’s triggers that put them into little space and how to identify which head space they are in at any given time.  My submissive is nicknamed “kitten” when in adult space and “pumpkin” when in little space.  What I would suggest is that you come with a question for them to identify which head space they are in to when you first chat with them.  Something like “How is My girl doing today?”  This is a great opportunity for Your submissive to answer one of the following:

  • Sample little space answers:
    • “Your little girl is doing great but I want to do coloring!”
    • “Great Daddy, I wuv you!”
  • Sample adult space answers:
    • “Doing great, how are you?”
    • “Awesome now that I am chatting to you!”

Another situation you will run into as a long distance relationship with a little is the helplessness of not being there to be the caregiver they require.  This can make a Dominant feel very helpless.  Even though they are little, they can still do things like follow instructions that you give them and follow-through.  They are sad?  Ask them to get their favorite stuffy or blanket to soothe them.  They want to color?  Ask them to retreive their paper and crayons but give them a task of something you would like them to draw for you.  They are hungry?  Ask them what they have available to eat and have them retrieve it while giving them instructions on how much you will allow them to eat or drink.  By providing them structure, caring and love then you are providing for them as much as you can.  They will absolutely appreciate it.

With any luck you will be able to identify what space your submissive is in and adjust your own mind set to coincide with it.  It is ABSOLUTELY a learning process dealing with a little.  It will take time but with patience and understanding you can both grow your knowledge of each other and advance your dynamic.

i personally have not been to any formal BDSM events or clubs, so i only understand minimal details on the etiquette side of them. i have, however engaged in a lot of online communities and websites, so for now i will only be talking about the online etiquette and mannerisms of the BDSM community.

The biggest question i see from P/people who are just starting out in the online community is in regards to the use of capitals and lower cases when addressing someone. When it comes to addressing a Dominant, They should always receive a capital letter at the beginning of Their name, as well as when referring to a Dominant or multiple Dominants with pronouns. Ex; He/She, Him/Her, They, Their, Them, I, You. When it comes to addressing a submissive, they should always receive a lower case for the first letter of their name, as well as when referring to a submissive or multiple submissives with pronouns. Ex; he/she, him/her, they, their, them, i, you. When referring to two or more people who are both Dominant/s and submissive/s, it is proper to use both capitals and lower cases. Ex; U/us, O/our, W/we, T/them, T/their. A Capital/lower case is also used online when you are unsure if the person is Dominant or submissive as a way to be respectful of the possibility that T/they may be a Dominant. This is the proper use of capitals and lower cases, whether Y/you are a Dominant or a submissive. With this said, there are many disrespectful people out there. i have on many occasions shown a self proclaimed Dominant respect online, only to have them disrespect me and/or my Daddy. At this point they lose my respect and i will stop using a capital when addressing them, if i continue to address them at all.

The next big question i come across online is the use and misuse of titles. When trying to be respectful of a Dominant, Sir/Ma’am are the proper and most taught titles to use. Whether Y/you are single or not and whether Y/you are Dominant or submissive, they show respect to the Dominant Y/you are talking to. A lot of times Sir/Ma’am and Their first name is used as a way to make it more formal and less like talking to your own Dominant as well as used for one Dominant being respectful to another Dominant. Not every Dominant will want those titles and will let Y/you know what They prefer to be called. If You are a Dominant who does not like to be called Sir/Ma’am, it is polite to thank the submissive for the title, but to call You by (enter Name here). Likely a Dominant will prefer to be called by Their name or nickname in this case. Sometimes it will be by Mr/Miss or something of that nature. They should never ask Y/you to call them something like Master/Mistress or Daddy/Mommy. Those are dynamic titles when talking to people online and should not be used outside of a dynamic. There are only two situations where a Dominant should receive a Master/Mistress title outside of Y/your own dynamic. One, if the Dominant is a well known Master/Mistress and has earned that title in whatever community Y/you are talking to Them in. Even then, it would be Master/Mistress along with Their name and not just the title on its own. Two, you are in a dynamic and your Dominant tells you to refer to another Dominant by that title for whatever reason. The other Dominant should also be ok with you using this title for Them. Some Dominants do not allow Their submissive to call another Dominant Sir/Ma’am, so if a submissive calls You Mr/Miss or something similar, or even no title at all, do not take offense. This is still meant to be respectful coming from an owned submissive or even from a submissive who is unowned, but was taught this by a previous Dominant. Again, a Dominant outside of a dynamic should never request a title, they should be freely given out of respect or not used at all.

Titles are also used for submissive’s. However, submissive titles tend to be pet names and are not to be used on a submissive that You are not in a dynamic with. Pet names; baby, sweetie, hunnie, baby girl/boy, little one, dear, love, kitten, etc are considered to be very disrespectful in the BDSM community when used outside of a dynamic and will cause P/people to be very upset with Y/you, very quickly. Other titles for submissive’s include humiliation names. Ex; pig, slut, whore, etc. These names can be used in a dynamic for humiliation or as terms of endearment, but are very disrespectful to use on someone that You are not in a dynamic with.

Proper etiquette for private messaging/ friend requesting online. A private message/friend request should never be sent to anyone online without publicly asking permission to the person first. If the answer is yes, and only if the answer is yes, should Y/you then send Y/your message or friend request. A Dominant should not engage in any private conversations or friend requests with an owned submissive or a submissive who is formally under protection, without their Dominant’s/Protector’s permission. Some dynamics go as far as not allowing the submissive to privately chat with anyone without first having permission by the Dominant, if at all. At the other end, some dynamics do not require permission from their Dominant/Protector and can give Y/you permission on their own. In any case, it is always more polite and appreciated to ask first.

Lastly, i would like to address any single Dominant’s and submissive’s. i see a lot of Y/you online who are desperate to find a connection with another. i know it can be hard to be alone and see all these posts of others in T/their happy dynamics, but no one is happy to get a message begging T/them to Dominate you or demanding Y/you submit to them. i have heard of so many Dominants and submissive’s receiving these messages and have even had messages myself from submissive’s, begging me to Dominate them. i am a submissive and a collared one at that. i am not about to Dominate anyone. Most of these messages get ignored or a very disrespectful response in return to the disrespectful request. Be polite, use Y/your manners and be patient. Y/you are not going to find a happy ending by trying to rush into things with P/people Y/you don’t know anything about.

So there Y/you have it. The basics in BDSM online etiquette. Stay safe and enjoy the online communities available to Y/you.

i have seen so many people joining the lifestyle lately who are looking for a partner, but have no idea what T/they are really looking for. Just like any vanilla relationship, a person in BDSM can only find compatibility in another if T/they have taken the time to truly explore T/their mind and body and know what T/they want. Once Y/you have figured out, at least mostly, what Y/you are looking for and what intrigues Y/you about O/our lifestyle, than it is time to look at bringing a partner into Y/your life.

There are many different websites, social sites and even social gatherings in many communities, where Y/you can meet and talk to people who are living the BDSM lifestyle. These people will range from only in the bedroom kink, all the way to living full time TPE (total power exchange) relationships. They will range from just starting out in the community, to being born and raised in it. Remember, no matter where in these ranges a person fits, W/we are all still learning new things every day. Stay true to Y/yourself, but be open to learning about what others have to say.

Not everyone will have correct information and not everything Y/you hear will line up with what Y/you have figured out on Y/your own. The easiest way to learn what is proper information and what is not is by having a mentor (if Y/you don’t already) in the community to bounce information off of. Y/your mentor should be someone who has been in the lifestyle (not just online, but physically as well) for a long period of time. This person will likely not know everything, but T/they will at least have an easier time finding out the right information for Y/you.

So Y/you have joined some sites, maybe even gone to a social gathering or two and have found some people who have intrigued Y/you. What should Y/you do now? E/everyone seems to over think this. The answer is simple. Talk to them. Get to know the person behind all of the kink and whatever title T/they use in the community (Dominant/submissive, Master/slave).

This is called vetting in the lifestyle. Vetting is used in all relationships from friendship, to hiring employees, to romantic partnerships and everywhere in between.

Vet:

  1. Make a careful and critical examination of (something/someone).
  2. Investigate (someone) thoroughly, especially in order to ensure that they are suitable for a job requiring secrecy, loyalty, or trustworthiness

Take Y/your time. i know it can be difficult. Y/you are excited to get started in this new found Y/you and Y/you want someone to share the excitement with. i get it, but just because someone is on a site for a lifestyle meant to be bound by respect, honesty and trust, does not mean that T/they are there with those intentions. There are many people out there who have not put the time into researching and don’t really understand the meaning behind the titles. People who think that being in the lifestyle means they can make someone their sex slave, who will do whatever they want with nothing in return. People who think that pretending to be a submissive/slave means that they can swindle a single Dominant into providing them with money to take care of their financial struggles if they act charming enough. So again, slow down. Really get to know the person Y/you are talking to. Do a background check on T/them. Get friends to talk to T/them and give their opinions. Ask T/them about previous relationship. Y/you can tell a lot about a person from how T/they talk about T/their exes. Do Y/you like what Y/you hear or are Y/you left thinking, ‘i wouldn’t want to have someone speak that way about me’. Remember, there are two sides to every story and Y/you are only hearing one side of that story.

Be aware that there are a lot of red flags (warning signs) Y/you can look out for when trying to weed out the people that Y/you should avoid getting involved with. Some of these red flags are:

-Someone who demands you to call them a Dominant name (Sir/Ma’am, Master/Mistress, Daddy/Mommy, etc) from the start. Typically, as a submissive, it is respectful to call a Dominant Sir/Ma’am from the beginning of meeting them, but if you haven’t, demanding it is not the way to go. Those titles should be earned outside of the general respect of Sir/Ma’am. With that said, some Dominants may not like those titles and may ask you to call them by their name instead. On the other side, a Dominant who disrespects me from the start, will not get a Sir/Ma’am out of me either.
-Someone who calls you a pet name (babygirl/boy, little one, hunnie, dear, etc) within the first couple times of talking to you. This one is a difficult one. The person may be completely innocent in using a pet name, because they do not know any better, but it is completely disrespectful in the eyes of anyone who has been in the lifestyle a long time to use pet names with someone that you are not in a relationship with.
-Using humiliation names (slut, whore, maggot, pig, etc) on you without knowing you.
-Wanting nudes from you. Especially if you have not met or been talking to this person very long.
-Wanting you to send them money. For any reason. Even if they have not come out and asked for it, but keep telling you about their financial struggles.
-Wanting you to relocate for them. This is ok if you have been talking for many months and possibly have met or have been in an LDR (long distance relationship) with them for a while. But not when you have only been talking to them for a little while.
-Pushing you to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. If you are not in a committed relationship, you should not feel uncomfortable with anything that is being asked of you.
-Commanding you to do anything with the expectation that you will. You have not submitted to this person and they should not have the expectation that you will listen to them.
-Someone who wants to submit to you right away. This person is way to eager and has not done their research on how BDSM works. Do they even know if you are a Dominant or a submissive?

These are just some of the things Y/you need to stay clear of when talking to someone new. There are many more that do happen on a regular basis. The main thing to keep in mind is, if it makes Y/you uncomfortable, let the person know. If they continue to do/say it, then they are not respecting Y/you and Y/you should move on.

Once Y/you have found someone who passes those checks and Y/you have been talking to T/them for a while, Y/you are probably ready to meet T/them. The first meet should always be done somewhere public. This gives Y/you the chance to interact with T/them in a vanilla (non BDSM or kink) atmosphere. This should be done at least a few times before moving into the ‘bedroom’. Even then, the bedroom should be fairly vanilla (nothing really kinky) until Y/you have properly set a contract with T/them about limits and expectations. Always remember safety when it comes to play time.

-SSC – safe sane consensual
-RACK – Risk aware consensual kink
-PRICK – Personal responsibility informed consensual kink
-CCC – Committed compassionate consent

The link below was brought to U/us by a new friend in the lifestyle and explains the acronyms above in more detail.

http://asibdsm.com/ssc-rack-ccc-prick/

This is a very controversial subject in the BDSM world and the answer Y/you get will completely change from one person to the next, depending on what T/they identify as, how much experience T/they have in the lifestyle and where T/they have gotten T/their information from.
So, let me start off by telling Y/you a little bit about me. I am a 24/7 submissive and have been for about two years. My Dominant joined the lifestyle with me at the same time. Neither of U/us knew much about it when W/we started, but were bound and determined to learn as much as W/we could. This meant: finding M/mentors who have been in the lifestyle a long time, O/ones who were even born into it (growing up with parents who lived it as well) and reading everything that was brought to O/our attention by these P/people as reliable sources. W/we are still very new compared to a lot of Y/you out there and I am in no way saying that what I have learned and know is 100% the way it is, nor am i saying that it is how all dynamics are, regardless of the definitions. I still have a lot to learn in many aspects and look forward to that journey ahead. With that said, I’d like to talk about what I have learned on this subject.
The main statement I have read a lot from people is “a submissive only gives up some power, a slave gives up all power.” This statement makes me cringe every time. Before anyone gets upset, let me explain why. The statement itself does hold a lot of truth. However, reading that line alone leads to a lot of misunderstandings for someone who is just learning. Every dynamic is unique and there a lot of slaves in the lifestyle that do not give up all control and a lot of submissive’s that do give up all control. Therefore, it is unfair to define in stone that a submissive only gives up some of their power.
When talking about roles in BDSM, there are two main ones which are the Dominant and the submissive. From there, everything depends on Y/your specific dynamic and experience. For example, I am a masochist, a kitten and a little in my dynamic, but above all I am a submissive. This is what makes dynamics so interesting and unique.
In the Dominant role, we also have the Master/Mistress. The title Master/Mistress is not meant to be given out easily to anyone just because they like the sound of it. It is a title that has always been earned in the lifestyle. You earned this title through a wide range of experience, including for some, learning to be a submissive first. A Master/Mistress is one who spent many years being mentored and proving Themselves with their dedication, experience and knowledge. Once They were ready, a ceremony was thrown for Them to properly bestow the title of Master/Mistress upon them. Anyone with this title was highly respected in the community. Until You were given the title by others in the community, You were a Dominant, period.
In the submissive role at the far end of it we have what we call a slave. Slavery itself, is illegal in the real world as you can’t legally own someone. Some will say that a slave has given up all power and control but at the same time a slave has the ability to get up and walk out of the dynamic at any time just like anyone else. I have also heard the statement “a slave has no limits” a lot, which is another statement that makes me cringe. Legalities aside, I don’t see too many people out there willing to allow someone to cut off a limb or forcibly extract teeth, etc. A true Dominant would probably not want this from a slave, but my point is that this would be a limit. If you have limits, no matter how out there it may seem, you are not giving up full control/power.
Before I really start to upset the slaves out there, let’s talk about how one gets the title slave. Well, like Master/Mistress, it used to be that one would have to start out as a submissive and through experience and learning to push your limits and knowledge, eventually, you would earn the title slave. With that, a slave would again have a higher respect level in the community than a submissive, because it was earned. Things are not as formal as they used to be though. So, what is a slave in today’s eyes? The best information that I have is that the title slave tends to be used for someone who wants the role of a submissive but who needs to give up all control/power to a Dominant. In order to be able to give up all control/power, a slave needs to be very good at vetting (getting to know someone in depth before submitting to them). During the vetting process, a slave needs to find out what the Dominant is really into, what They won’t ever touch in the way of kinks, what They may want to try and Their overall morals and personality. The only way to give up complete control to another person is by fully trusting Them and making sure that what They are looking for matches up with what you are looking for. At this point, a slave can fully submit to the Dominant without question of the Dominants wishes for rules and expectations. A submissive will continue to question and negotiate rules, expectations and limits until it is set in stone on paper and agreed to by B/both parties. Both a submissive and a slave should listen to their Dominants final decision in the end and do as they are told (outside of agreed limits for a submissive). As much as a slave does not set limits, when something new is introduced to them, they have the right to be thoroughly educated and discuss it at length to have a full understanding of it. Once that has been done, they are expected to obey and participate in it. No information or discussion on it ahead of time borders on abuse of the slave, rather than a healthy BDSM dynamic. If the slave is still uncomfortable with it at this point, depending on the dynamic and agreements in place, the slave can either still do it or leave the dynamic if that is what the Dominant wants. When something new is introduced to a submissive. They will also have the chance to discuss it at length, but then they get a chance (again depending on the dynamic) to add that to their limits, or obey it if they wish.
To summarize what was discussed very quickly, what is the difference between a slave and a submissive? A slave feels the need to give up all control and find a Dominant who matches up with them in order to have a successful dynamic. A submissive scales from someone who does not want to give up all control, but feels the need to submit in certain ways all the way to someone who gives up all control like a slave, but does not take to the title slave.
Again, this is just what I have learned and may not match up with how everyone feels. But it is the most accurate information that I have come across about the topic.