This is a huge topic that comes up all the time online on social sites and I wanted to address it from My side.  That doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it and honestly, I am hoping that some of you don’t and can give Me some counter facts that I may have overlooked.

The main topic here is whether the movie has done more negative or more positive for our BDSM community.  It is a highly debated topic and I seem to be a minority that think that it has done more positive then negative.  This has led to many the debates and surprisingly, a large number of those debating saying it is more negative, haven’t even seen the movie or read the books!  I have not read the books as I have heard the writing skills are dreadful but I have watched the first movie about 8 times and the second one three times.  Overall I am a fan of them but that isn’t the part that is up for debate. 😉

Everyone in the lifestyle that is on social media has seen the hate articles out there condemning the movie and books.  These are written by people in the lifestyle and are absolutely right for the most part.  To us in the lifestyle, that are educated, these movies do NOT in any way show people what a true BDSM dynamic is like.  I am in 100% agreement with that statement but we have to look at it from a vanilla person standpoint.

Ok, so lets look at a few of the reasons why the movie and books were so negative to use in the lifestyle:
Image result for 50 shades of grey negative

  • Consent was ignored throughout the movie.
  • Safety protocols were not established or were completely ignored.
  • Christian Grey is a stalker throughout the movie.
  • No aftercare was ever provided during scenes.
  • He is no control of his emotions.
  • He manipulates her on multiple occasions.
  • He isolates her from friends and family

That is just a bit of why it is a negative influence to us in the lifestyle.  I am sure there is more that I haven’t even touched on but lets now look at it from a Vanilla person’s perspective watching the movie or reading the books.  Christian Grey is a strong, wealthy, mysterious and good looking guy whom you know has mental health issues.  He is pretty much the spitting image of every guy in those really slutty novels that a lot of women read.  The difference is that he seems to have a power over women to get them to do what he wants them to do and that is damn sexy!  The readers and watchers know that this isn’t real life just like the slutty books they are used to.  They don’t know what consent means or anything.  There eyes are now open to something they have never seen before which is the elusive world of BDSM.

With so much negative, what could possibly be positive about the books and movies?  Glad you asked!

Before the movies and books came out it was hard to come out and explain to your friends and families that you were in a BDSM dynamic.  There were massive misconceptions about what the lifestyle entailed.  People would say “You mean like whips and chains?” or “Does he hit you???”.  Now, if a vanilla person has seen the movie or read the books then they are more likely to say “Oh, you mean like 50 shades of grey?”  which is so much better as a lead way into what you trying to explain to them.  It is the perfect time to explain what you practice and how (SSC) safe, sane and consensual the dynamic is for you.  I personally have had 100% success communicating with friends and family by referencing what I have with my wife in relation to the movie.  Let me know if you have experienced ANYONE say to you “Oh, you mean like that movie where the guy was abusive, stalker-ish, controlling and didn’t provide proper aftercare?”.

Now, what else has it done for the community?  The community of BDSM has grown leaps and bounds since the books and movies have been released.  The acceptance of BDSM as a legitimate lifestyle has increased.  This has had a negative and positive outcome which I will put into point form for everyone.

POSITIVE OUTCOME

  • As the pool of Dominants and submissive’s grows, you are more likely to find a match for you in a smaller geographic area.
  • There a TON of new people to the lifestyle and this has spawned tons of new informational and educational material over social media and the internet.  Even if you are experienced, there is a ton of new information available to you at your finger tips that you may not have known was available.  I have talked to many experienced Dominant’s and submissive’s who are constantly learning because this information is now available to them.
  • It is now easier for you to come out and tell your friends and family since you have a starting reference point to direct them too.
  • They broke ground with these books and movies.  I am hoping that this inspires other talented people from INSIDE our community to step up and take an interest in producing something that is a more accurate portrayal of what our lifestyle is about.

NEGATIVE OUTCOME

  • The ratio of Dominants to submissive’s has been skewed.  The majority of the readers were female and the ratio of male submissive to female submissive is so skewed to females that it is now a Dominants world.
  • The ratio of experienced BDSM Lifestyle people to Newbies has been skewed.  This means that experienced submissive’s and Dominants that are looking for experienced counter parts are having a harder time sifting through the masses to find someone.
  • Yes, the movies were not a good portrayal of the lifestyle but, I have never heard a vanilla person make reference to the negatives.  Most vanilla people think BDSM is about hitting each other anyway so they already have the wrong idea.  It has always been about educating the vanilla crowd which hasn’t changed from before the movies.

As I said, not everyone is going to agree with these statements but I hope it does open the eyes of some people that always bitch about the negatives without even realizing that there is a flip side to it.

My children have now mostly grown up and are starting to go on adventures of their own in search of starting their life adventures.  I have loved every second of being a Dad and I was one of those Dad’s that would do anything for his kids.  In theory, I was more of a Mom role then a Dad role with them growing up because I was the caring and compassionate one in the relationship.  Even to this day when my kids are 14 and 17, they are still my world.

Many years later after a failed 13 year marriage, I found my true soul mate in My kitten.  We have been married for going on three years and in a D/s dynamic 24/7.  I am happier then ever but then it got even better about 6 months ago.  My submissive/wife found a little space that I can honestly say was always there but we weren’t able to give it a name.

One thing that always intrigued me about kitten is that she would act exactly like one.  She would cuddle me, head bump me and paw at me at every chance she had.  She would talk in a little voice at times when asking for things or if she wanted to do something.  At the beginning I just thought it was a cute thing that I adored but it has blossomed into something a lot more then that now.

As soon as we started our journey into D/s we released that I could give her true kitten play time which was fun and exciting.  The ability to be the animal persona that you have always been but with strictness and intent.  This was amazing for both of us and if we had more time, kitten would be able to come out in pet play a lot more but that isn’t the reality of our busy lives.   It takes planning out blocks of time to do kitten play and that is hard for us.

And now we come to the part that is the title of the blog. 🙂  I think the lack of time for kitten play may have jump started the ‘little’ persona in kitten and made it grow a lot quicker.  We also have a friend in the UK who is little space 24/7 when she is talking to me and once her and kitten starting talking I noticed that kitten was taking on a lot of the same qualities.    Looking back, I can’t remember if it was kitten or I that really noticed it but the little space moments didn’t last long at the beginning as it was very hard for kitten to give up the adult brain.

Once it was recognized and labeled, kitten was determined to learn to enjoy this new found sense of freedom from adult reality.  Over the next few months it started with coloring books and children’s movies which worked well.  Then it was PJ’s, sippy cups, stuffies, lego, play-dough and children’s stories.  Finally we have evolved the little space into onesies and pacifiers.  Most nights after work involve some heavy little space time where she is told to put on outfits or grab her sippy cup and paci.  She immediately goes into little space and stays there till after we are asleep.

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Little space is usually associated with triggers.  I have the ability to put her into little space and also pull her out of it.  Now, putting her into little space can be done at any time but pulling her out of it is a LOT harder and confusing to her if it isn’t done right.  The first trigger i have is names and this is a powerful one.  When in little space she is My “pumpkin” but in adult space she is my “kitten”.  Other more confusing triggers involve things like allowing her to check her phone and then she sees business stuff pop up and  BAM, she is out of little space and has almost withdrawal symptoms.  So, if I want to keep her in one type of headspace then I really need to pre-plan for everything.

Now, from a Daddy Dom perspective, what are some of the pros and cons of being a Daddy Dom?  Let me list some below and we will chat about each one in a bit more detail:

  • kitten gets to free her head
    • This is a bonus for kitten and Myself.  kitten is a tightly wound individual at most times that takes on a lot of stress which can manifest into frustrating moments over smaller things during the day.  These smaller moments of frustration can be very stressful for those around her as she is focal.  I feel that the little space has helped reduce down her life stress and has made those frustrating moments less intense and frequent.  Therefore my stress is reduced too.
  • I get to be a Daddy again
    • The feeling that I get when I am being relied on and requested for even the small things is invigorating.  Brushing kitten’s hair in the morning, reading a bed time story, filling up her sippy cup MANY times a night, or carrying for boo-boo’s are things I used to live for when my kids were little.  Being able to come home with my adult kitten and then instantly get her into little space is amazing.  The Daddy part of Me loves little space.
  • Non-sexual little space
    • This is the single biggest hurdle that I have had to get over in the little space and I didn’t want to bury it at the bottom so we will talk about it now.  kitten is a non-sexual little and even the conversations have to be non-sexual or I get a cute scowl from her.  As a VERY sexual Dominant, this means less sexy time as little space is a big part of her home time now.  What I have learned to do in this situation is multi leveled.  If I want a sexual scene or sexual contact then I will not get her into little space when we get home by telling her that I want my kitten tonight.  This is a way to let her know that the night will have sexy stuff in it.  If she falls into little space naturally then I can pull her out by using her “kitten” name to ensure she doesn’t slide into her little brain.  But in the end, I have less sexual release since kitten has found her little persona.  I substitute it for more masturbation and better pre-planning for sexually frustrating times.  In giving up some sexual release, I get a lot of other attention that my body craves like being a Daddy again.
  • little days!
    • This is one side of the little time that I am going to take advantage of a lot more when the weather gets a little warmer.  We agreed a few months ago that every single month we would plan at least one day where it was all about little.  We would go do something exciting in public or in private which involved complete little space.  Outfit wise involves pig tails and bows but since kitten is not into embarrassment, there are no paci’s or anything that would visually identify her as a little.  This adds a whole new challenge to the Daddy Dom because you have to keep the adult brain turned off.  In private it is easy but in public it is VERY hard.  I think on our next outing, her cell phone will be taken away because it is too hard for her to remain in little space when work starts calling.  We are working on this and i will update this blog or write a new one when it is all figured out.

I am sure there are more pros and cons but I am also sure that there will be either updates to this blog or I will write a new one as “Part 2” at some point.  So we will sum up my overall thoughts about little space.

Little space is an amazing place that allows your submissive to be free from the adult world and reduce stress.  One of the major things about submission to us has always been about passing off 100% of the control to the Dominant and reducing stress so little space to us is almost taking that to a deeper level.  Complete reliance on your Dominant to take care of the submissive’s needs at all times.  As things progress in our dynamic, I can see things making more sense and a normality to the things we do.  As first things are hard, awkward, weird but as time goes on we start to learn from those things, refine them and enjoy them as “normal”.  I wouldn’t give up little space for the world and can’t wait to continue to grow it.

i have heard a lot of people recently in the lifestyle, both new and not so new, who talk about not wanting a safe word with their partner. i don’t understand at all why someone would say this and there really is no reason to not have one outside of just not wanting to use one. The thing is, even if you have one, doesn’t mean you ever have to use it.

What is a safe word? A safe word is a set word or multiple set words in a dynamic or even casual play session, that a submissive/bottom can say to completely stop whatever is going on from continuing.

Why use a safe word? Why not just say stop/no? A lot of play in the BDSM and kink world can be based off of the thrill of being controlled or ‘forced’ into things. And a lot of people enjoy being able to say things like stop/no without actually having their partner stop what they are doing.

Usually there are three designated words set. The first word is to let the Dominant/top know that you are doing good and want them to continue. The second word is to let the Dominant/top know that you are coming close to your limit and they should let up a bit or change course of what they are doing. The third word is to let the Dominant/top know that you have reached your limit and need them to stop now. Most people will use Green (for keep going), Yellow (for getting close to their limit) and Red (for stop now). Of course, you can always make up your own words if you do not like these. When i first started out, i chose three of my own words and that was great for a while, but when scenes started getting more intense i started getting really confused with my words and would end up calling out all three, because i couldn’t remember which was which. Needless to say, i am back to the simple and easy stop light system.

A safe word is meant to be used only if the submissive/bottom is close to reaching a limit of theirs or has reached a limit. It can also be used in situations where physical or mental health is a concern for the submissive/bottom. It is never to be used by a (submissive) as a way to control the Dominant. The safe word is always set ahead of time and a submissive/bottom should be reminded of what the safe words are before each scene, at least until Y/you are confident that they know them off by heart. my Dominant would even ask part way through sessions if i remembered my safe words as a way of checking in on me. Safe words can be used during play sessions, during punishments or any other time for that matter. A lot of people only think of a safe word as being used during a play session to let a Dominant/top know that T/their play partner is reaching or has reached their limits. A lot of people also seem to believe that a safe word should not be allowed during punishment. i highly disagree with this, because it is very common in O/our lifestyle to have some mental health issues as well as common for people in O/our lifestyle to have traumatic pasts. With that in mind, there are many things in O/our style of play that can trigger things like PTSD or anxiety and panic. If a submissive is having a PTSD moment during a punishment, would a caring Dominant want them to push through and possibly cause more trauma? Absolutely not! By not allowing a submissive to use a safe word in certain areas, You may do more harm than You ever meant to. Trust is so important and it could be this easy to lose that trust.

So what do I do if My submissive is using safe words when they are not needed? Some submissive’s, especially if they are new to the lifestyle or if they have a tendency to push boundaries, might try this. i suggest that any time a (stop) safe word is spoken, that the Dominant have a conversation with the submissive about why they felt the need to safe word. If they say something like “it hurts” during a physical punishment, You may decide to tell them that is not a good reason to use a safe word, because the punishment is meant to hurt. If the submissive is balling their eyes out and looking panicked or scared, because the punishment triggered memories of past abuse, You may want to consider that being the end of the punishment and not using physical punishments in the future. Of course this is completely up to Yourself and how Your conversation goes with your submissive. In any case, communication is key and talking about the use of the safe word will help both of Y/you learn a lot for future scenes.

What if my submissive refuses to safe word even when they really should be? There is a lot of negative feelings that come a long with safe wording for some people. A lot of submissive’s may feel disappointed in themselves or be afraid of disappointing their Dominant by using their safe word. When i first started out, i was very stubborn against using my safe word. i would thrash around (as much as restraints allowed) and yell and growl rather than safe word. As hilarious as this probably looked, it was not a good way to do it. i was hitting my limits, but refusing to give in to them out of stubbornness. It takes time to build up tolerance to things and it is ok to use your safe word when you need to. No one should ever be disappointed in you for it. A good Dominant will be disappointed if They think you should have used a safe word and you don’t. So how did my Dominant break me of this habit? He had me hold a very hard pose for as long as i could. i was not allowed to break my pose until i had used my safe word to say that i couldn’t hold it any more. This exercise really helped me realize how important it was to my Dominant that i use my safe word when it is needed. i didn’t dare break my pose without using my safe word first.

The other reason a submissive may not use their safe word is if they are in deep sub space. There are many levels of sub space and as you have more scenes with a submissive/bottom, you will start to learn their reactions and limits on your own. At first though, you will need to constantly be checking in on them by having them answer questions or do actions (like nodding) for you to make sure that they are still in a mind set that will allow them to safe word if they feel the need to. When you start getting no response to your questions or actions, it may be time to end the scene until you have both learned more about each others limits and body. my Daddy always did this at the beginning and there were a couple of times that i felt disappointed that He had stopped, but W/we would talk over the scene and each time He would learn a little more about how far He could push me and it made it very safer for future scenes.

So what if my submissive/bottom is gagged? Makes it a little harder to yell out a safe word right? In this case it is a good idea to think about safe actions. For this, you will need to think about what your submissive/bottom is capable of. Are they blindfolded? Are they restrained? Are they gagged? Each of these things needs to be taken into consideration for your safe action to work. Some ideas that people use for this are; the ball drop (make them hold a ball and if they need to safe word, they drop the ball), blinking or winking a particular way, humming through a gag, tapping you x number of times with their hand if they aren’t restrained, but can’t speak. Use your imagination and play safe!

Finally, i have heard someone say before, my submissive refuses to pick a safe word because they don’t want one. How do i make them use one? Well You can try the exercise i just mentioned to make them use one, but forcing them to pick one when they don’t want to could be a little harder for a new Dominant. i say for a new Dominant, because a Dominant with experience will usually have techniques that will make the submissive choose one. If You are uncomfortable with trying to make them choose one, choose one for them, or simply use the stop light system. they may not want one, but if something ever happens mid-scene that causes them panic or otherwise, i am sure they will be happy it is there.

First and foremost, for those who don’t know, little’s are adults that age regress to someone typically between 2 to 12 years of age.  It is an opportunity to turn off your adult brain and go into a “safe zone” where you don’t have to worry about the daily problems of the world.  Little’s are not limited by a specific sex, or a specific dynamic and are not limited to just submissive’s.  But, for the purpose of this bog, we are going to talk about the larger majority of little’s being those that are submissive either looking at getting into a D/s dynamic or already involved in a D/s dynamic.

A lot of new Dominants have no idea what a little is or how they deal with one.  There is no magical instruction book that goes along with this unfortunately.  Each little is highly unique in their needs, wants and what is allowed while in little space.  What I mean by “allowed” is what they feel comfortable with.  These things will need to be figured out and understood before it is recommended that you interact with them in little space.

The most important thing to learn about your little that you are interacting with is whether or not they are sexual while in little space.  The larger majority of little’s are non-sexual and any talk about sexuality or physical advances will result in a negative experience for them.  Sometimes it will abruptly and negatively break them out of the head space while other times they will just get VERY grumpy.  You always want to do what is best for your little to make the experience positive for you and for them.

My submissive is a non-sexual little so I have had to learn quite a bit.  She is usually in the age range of about 6 years old.  When in little space she requires quite a bit of care and I am the caregiver for her.  She is still submissive and will follow rules and structure but the rules have to be catered to her age.  Communication must also be tailored to her age.  In my dynamic, it is real life 24/7 but I will provide a bit more information for those of you that are looking at long distance relationships/dynamics.  Long distance is a bit harder and requires a few additional things to keep in mind.

What things does my little require of Me?  (Unique to My dynamic but pretty universal)

  • Caring and understanding.
  • Communication appropriate for her age regression.
    • No sexual talk.
    • Smaller words and CLEAR communication that can be interpreted.
  • Entertainment appropriate for her age.
    • Kids movies and TV shows.
    • Activities such as coloring, crafts or games.
  • Child specific items.
    • Blankies.
    • Stuffies.
    • Non-leaking cups, child plates, child utensils.
    • Food and drink appropriate to keep them in the head space.
  • Rewards for good behavior or completing tasks.
    • Stickers.
    • Sweets.
    • Hugs and tickles work well.

You may be thinking “Man, this sounds like a LOT of work.  Why do you do it?”.  The answer to that is VERY simple for Me and it may be very different for anyone else.  I identify as a Daddy Dom because I enjoy it.  My own children are grown up and I always adored being a Dad.  The pure innocence of children is a beautiful thing and I cherish it.  Having My submissive feel comfortable and trusting enough for Me to take care of her while she is little is a honor.  Keeping them comfortable in the head space can be a challenge at first but you will get it eventually.

Long distance relationships with a submissive who is also a little.  Being in a real life scenario can be quite a bit easier then what would be required of you but with that said, it is VERY manageable.  The first thing you need to figure out is your little’s triggers that put them into little space and how to identify which head space they are in at any given time.  My submissive is nicknamed “kitten” when in adult space and “pumpkin” when in little space.  What I would suggest is that you come with a question for them to identify which head space they are in to when you first chat with them.  Something like “How is My girl doing today?”  This is a great opportunity for Your submissive to answer one of the following:

  • Sample little space answers:
    • “Your little girl is doing great but I want to do coloring!”
    • “Great Daddy, I wuv you!”
  • Sample adult space answers:
    • “Doing great, how are you?”
    • “Awesome now that I am chatting to you!”

Another situation you will run into as a long distance relationship with a little is the helplessness of not being there to be the caregiver they require.  This can make a Dominant feel very helpless.  Even though they are little, they can still do things like follow instructions that you give them and follow-through.  They are sad?  Ask them to get their favorite stuffy or blanket to soothe them.  They want to color?  Ask them to retreive their paper and crayons but give them a task of something you would like them to draw for you.  They are hungry?  Ask them what they have available to eat and have them retrieve it while giving them instructions on how much you will allow them to eat or drink.  By providing them structure, caring and love then you are providing for them as much as you can.  They will absolutely appreciate it.

With any luck you will be able to identify what space your submissive is in and adjust your own mind set to coincide with it.  It is ABSOLUTELY a learning process dealing with a little.  It will take time but with patience and understanding you can both grow your knowledge of each other and advance your dynamic.