I haven’t written anything in a very long time and honestly, everything has taken a back seat lately because our lives have been absolute chaos. Well, today I feel motivated to write something which, perhaps, is part of my healing process.
If you subscribe to us or have read the other blogs that we have posted, I have a full-time submissive/wife. I also have a ‘little’ friend in the UK whom I took under my wing as a protector in hopes to find her a Dominant that will care for her. Well, yesterday was a hard day for me but I had to let my friend go.
We have been chatting online, through skype and even visited her over a year ago. When we first started chatting she was broken and I was able to put her back together as best I could. I was able to knock down some of her walls and bring out the beautiful inner person that was hidden inside. There were struggles along the way but things usually went back to a level playing ground.
This friend has been self diagnosed as having ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ and honestly, I can absolute see it. Every trait that relates to the disorder is what she experiences on a daily basis. The issue that I have is that a self diagnosis is a great thing to have under your belt but the real thing that has to be addressed is how this is dealt with professionally. She is unable to have a real relationship with anyone without attempting to push them away quite often. This has happened for a large portion of her life and she has gotten to the point where she just expects it to happen and will test the waters by pushing and seeing if they have had enough. Eventually with enough pushing, even the most stubborn people will be broken which is what has happened to me but there is more to it then that.
The past 6 months or so, we have had a lot of arguments that go around and around without accomplishing anything. There are lashing out moments where I am belittled or insulted. Other times I am told that I am not a good friend because of a break in communication that could be anywhere up to about 3 to 6 hours. Now, I am aware that a lot of us can be contributed to the self diagnosis of BPD but at some point unfortunately, enough is enough. I have Bi-Polar, ADD and depression with a side effect of anxiety everywhere and every moment. This means that there are times when I can’t just deal with the fact that my friend has BPD because of my own issues. Lately, those situations have been increased to an extreme because of my own dealings of poop piling up in my life. And yes, I used the word poop to keep this blog little friendly.
In 2018 I made a LOT of changes to My submissive’s and my life’s to eliminate negativity. My friends list on Facebook was chopped in half and then in half again to get rid of negative influence. This helped a lot but negativity is everywhere these days. Still every day I felt anxious and down. Unfortunately, those feelings were magnified when I am talking to my ‘little’ friend. Those feelings were then recognized by my submissive and in turn would bring her down as the connection between us is almost empathic in nature. This isn’t healthy for anyone unfortunately.
So, I have already described how friends and even this blog have been put on the back-burner because time hasn’t been available and also mood has been down. Over the past year or so, the demand of My time from my ‘little’ friend has greatly increased. Time that isn’t really available and must be pulled from other important tasks. Time, that if it isn’t allocated, results in arguments and disagreements about me ignoring her. The amount of time that I have to allocate to her far greatly exceeds the one of one time that my submissive receives from me. This is a hard thing to acknowledge and this is highly unfair to my submissive.
Lastly are my feelings and the confusion that it shows. After I pulled away from my ‘little’ friend yesterday I broke down in sobbing tears. Every time I thought about what had happened I broke down. Today when I tried to discuss it with my submissive, I broke down. So many times in the past 24 hours, this big bad Dominant has broken down to sobbing tears. How is it that I am showing more affection for losing a friend then I showed for my mother when she passed away last year? The issue is greater magnified by the fact that neither my submissive nor I have ever had a friend that we shared a true loving connection with and would do anything for. Is this how it feels when you decide to leave a friend that you care so much about? How is it that I care so much about a person that I have only met once in real life? Could it be the fact that I love her beyond friendship? The answer to that last question is yes but not ‘love’ as in the love that I have for my submissive.
Inside me lives a very strong white knight. A protector to those that need it without any obligations shown in return. During the past number of years of establishing a friendship with my friend, I have seen her grow and at times struggle. I have celebrated birthdays, special occasions and such. We have shared things that we wouldn’t tell another soul beyond a spouse. We have established a friendship that I have never experienced before. The connection we have is very strong but even with a strong connection, it doesn’t mean that it is healthy overall.
So, what does a healthy friendship look like? Again, I am a bit lost here as I have had very few “friends” in my life and the ones that I have classified as that are not ones that I could ever bare my soul to. My past close friends were more of people that I could have a good time with or shoot the ‘poop’ with but never really established an emotional heart connection with. Until my friend stumbled into my life, the only person I have ever experienced that type of connection with was with my submissive. But, in order for the friendship to work, it has to be healthy for both parties and it has to be stable. I don’t think anyone can ever say that my friendship with my friend was ever stable or healthy really. It has always been full of ups and downs BUT I know this has a LOT to do with her mental health situation magnified by my own.
The connection is another element that has to be discussed. As mentioned, my submissive and I have never had a connection with anyone other then each other or past lovers. So, when I established this connection with my friend, it confused my submissive. She could see in my eyes that I had a strong connection with my friend and it scared her while causing a lot of confusion. “How could my Dominant have such strong feelings for another when they have only ever had those feelings for me?”. This was the question that was going through her head and honestly, I can’t explain it because I have never experienced it myself. My submissive would never tempt me to pull away from the friendship out of jealousy but I am aware that the jealousy is there at times and I honestly feel that this jealousy is a legitimate thought for her to have. At the same time, she is very strong willed and fights to bury that jealousy trusting my intentions and my logic. She is just amazing like that.
To get to the nitty gritty of it all, lets talk about what happened a bit more. There was a time two days ago where I was on radio silence from her for a period of about 3 hours. At that exact moment of radio silence from the online community, my friend needed me. Three hours later I replied to her and she was upset with me for not being there. She was upset that I wouldn’t have checked in or seen the message. I explained that this commitment of always being there isn’t an actual thing and that if she was relying on me for that then I will fail time and time again because my life doesn’t work that way. We argued about it for approximately 1.5 hours at which time she wrote a few words that hit like a ton of bricks “I’m done”. 1.5 hours that were supposed to be dedicated to some down time with my submissive I should clarify. I asked her what she meant with that and didn’t really get an answer. After a bit of discussion I finally said the words that changed everything:
“I think we should take a break from our friendship. This isn’t healthy for either one of us right now. I can’t dedicate the time and energy that you require. I am tired of upsetting you meanwhile I am dedicating the largest part of my life to you. I am tired of getting upset myself and feeling negative because I am letting you down.”
These words changed everything as I finally hit that point that I decided on the spot that it was unhealthy for both of us. After the words had been said, the sobbing started. My other friends, Fear and anxiety came to play with my head and there was no calming them down. My friend begged me not to leave. She pleaded. She insulted at times. She brought up promises of me never leaving. All these words cut me like a knife straight through the heart. My fears were that she would once again become suicidal. I feel these emotions were just now that I have had a chance to analyze them.
Today is a different day. I wrote my friend a letter and posted it to her via messenger and it read as follows:
I know you are hurting but I wanted to let you know that I am too. This decision to leave the friendship has been one of the most difficult choices that I have ever had to make but it is being done for the better of both of us. I am broken with the thought of leaving you but I will talk more about why I am broken further on.
It is my opinion that you use me a crutch for your mental health rather then seeking help and getting treated for it. I honestly feel that treatment for your mental health is one of the most important things that you can do for yourself in order to fulfill your dreams of being financially independent and meeting that special man that you will one day marry. Your Mum must stop playing a role in your decision to be healthy and you are going to have to stand up to her when it comes to your mental health. Without your mental health being treated properly, it would be extremely hard to find a stable relationship with friends or with a potential husband/Dominant.
For the past while, I haven’t been able to communicate a lot of what is going on in my life for fear of it upsetting you. I have expressed this several times to you but ultimately, I don’t want to hurt you. Not telling you these things further hurts you when you find out about them later. It is pretty much a catch 22 situation that causes me great anxiety.
My fear of leaving you has a LOT to do with an increased risk of suicide. I know how special I am to you and how much you rely on having me in your life. It is my hope that you can fill the void in your life that I have caused with something productive and really work to improve yourself. You have so much to offer this world and to the kids at your school. You are amazing person and so loving.
Never in my life have I had a friend that I could talk to that cared for me as much as you do. I think this is the ultimate reason that I am sobbing like a baby since I sent you my last message. I can’t even describe why I am hurting so much which adds to the confusion of ‘my submissive’ in this situation while trying to help me get back on track with life. The amount of times that I have been wanting to send you a quick message to reassure you that I hear your messages and I feel your pain. Alas, I have resisted the temptation as I am not sure it will do either of us any good.
You do not owe me anything ‘friend’. Any money that was given to you in the past was given to you without the intention of ever paying me back. Please forget any debt that you think you may have with me.
Finally, I want to purpose that we be pen pal’s of sorts as I don’t want to be completely without you. Perhaps we send a word document to each other once a week with updates of how things are going in our lives. You should feel no obligation to do this but I would enjoy it and perhaps we wouldn’t feel so empty.
I tasked her with writing me back a reply as part of my message making sure that she shows me her feelings and emotions that she was experiencing. I also asked that she write to me and let me know what her plans and goals were for self improvement and mental health improvement. I also stated that this request came with no promises, commitments or anything.
We will wait and see what I receive but I am hoping that she puts some decent thought into it.
Thanks for reading and here’s to hoping things get better. And my little friend, if you are reading this, know that I will always have love for you in my heart even if we have a break from our friendship. xoxox