50 Shades of Grey and Our Lifestyle – Good/Bad?

This is a huge topic that comes up all the time online on social sites and I wanted to address it from My side.  That doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it and honestly, I am hoping that some of you don’t and can give Me some counter facts that I may have overlooked.

The main topic here is whether the movie has done more negative or more positive for our BDSM community.  It is a highly debated topic and I seem to be a minority that think that it has done more positive then negative.  This has led to many the debates and surprisingly, a large number of those debating saying it is more negative, haven’t even seen the movie or read the books!  I have not read the books as I have heard the writing skills are dreadful but I have watched the first movie about 8 times and the second one three times.  Overall I am a fan of them but that isn’t the part that is up for debate. 😉

Everyone in the lifestyle that is on social media has seen the hate articles out there condemning the movie and books.  These are written by people in the lifestyle and are absolutely right for the most part.  To us in the lifestyle, that are educated, these movies do NOT in any way show people what a true BDSM dynamic is like.  I am in 100% agreement with that statement but we have to look at it from a vanilla person standpoint.

Ok, so lets look at a few of the reasons why the movie and books were so negative to use in the lifestyle:

• Consent was ignored throughout the movie.
• Safety protocols were not established or were completely ignored.
• Christian Grey is a stalker throughout the movie.
• No aftercare was ever provided during scenes.
• He is no control of his emotions.
• He manipulates her on multiple occasions.
• He isolates her from friends and family

That is just a bit of why it is a negative influence to us in the lifestyle.  I am sure there is more that I haven’t even touched on but lets now look at it from a Vanilla person’s perspective watching the movie or reading the books.  Christian Grey is a strong, wealthy, mysterious and good looking guy whom you know has mental health issues.  He is pretty much the spitting image of every guy in those really slutty novels that a lot of women read.  The difference is that he seems to have a power over women to get them to do what he wants them to do and that is damn sexy!  The readers and watchers know that this isn’t real life just like the slutty books they are used to.  They don’t know what consent means or anything.  There eyes are now open to something they have never seen before which is the elusive world of BDSM.

With so much negative, what could possibly be positive about the books and movies?  Glad you asked!

Before the movies and books came out it was hard to come out and explain to your friends and families that you were in a BDSM dynamic.  There were massive misconceptions about what the lifestyle entailed.  People would say “You mean like whips and chains?” or “Does he hit you???”.  Now, if a vanilla person has seen the movie or read the books then they are more likely to say “Oh, you mean like 50 shades of grey?”  which is so much better as a lead way into what you trying to explain to them.  It is the perfect time to explain what you practice and how (SSC) safe, sane and consensual the dynamic is for you.  I personally have had 100% success communicating with friends and family by referencing what I have with my wife in relation to the movie.  Let me know if you have experienced ANYONE say to you “Oh, you mean like that movie where the guy was abusive, stalker-ish, controlling and didn’t provide proper aftercare?”.

Now, what else has it done for the community?  The community of BDSM has grown leaps and bounds since the books and movies have been released.  The acceptance of BDSM as a legitimate lifestyle has increased.  This has had a negative and positive outcome which I will put into point form for everyone.

POSITIVE OUTCOME

• As the pool of Dominants and submissive’s grows, you are more likely to find a match for you in a smaller geographic area.
• There a TON of new people to the lifestyle and this has spawned tons of new informational and educational material over social media and the internet.  Even if you are experienced, there is a ton of new information available to you at your finger tips that you may not have known was available.  I have talked to many experienced Dominant’s and submissive’s who are constantly learning because this information is now available to them.
• It is now easier for you to come out and tell your friends and family since you have a starting reference point to direct them too.
• They broke ground with these books and movies.  I am hoping that this inspires other talented people from INSIDE our community to step up and take an interest in producing something that is a more accurate portrayal of what our lifestyle is about.

NEGATIVE OUTCOME

• The ratio of Dominants to submissive’s has been skewed.  The majority of the readers were female and the ratio of male submissive to female submissive is so skewed to females that it is now a Dominants world.
• The ratio of experienced BDSM Lifestyle people to Newbies has been skewed.  This means that experienced submissive’s and Dominants that are looking for experienced counter parts are having a harder time sifting through the masses to find someone.
• Yes, the movies were not a good portrayal of the lifestyle but, I have never heard a vanilla person make reference to the negatives.  Most vanilla people think BDSM is about hitting each other anyway so they already have the wrong idea.  It has always been about educating the vanilla crowd which hasn’t changed from before the movies.

As I said, not everyone is going to agree with these statements but I hope it does open the eyes of some people that always bitch about the negatives without even realizing that there is a flip side to it.

Finding my Inner little

Daddy just did a post on His point of view about little space and wanted me to write my own blog about it. Been a long time coming, since i haven’t really had time to write much lately and i apologize for that.

What is a little anyway? A little is someone who mentally age regresses. Someone who goes through periods of time where they feel more child/teen like than adult and enjoy all of the things that go along with being someone of that age or age range. Some littles identify more like babies/toddlers (around the new born to four years of age), some identify as a little bit older (five to nine years). Others are typically known as middles and identify somewhere around ten to sixteen years of age. This is not a defined scale as everyone will have their own range that they feel defines them better in their dynamic. Pets also tend to be grouped in as littles, as they to need a caregiver to thoroughly be able to enjoy their head space more easily.

When did i first realize that i was a little? Not talking about my kitten side as a little, i have always had more innocent and child like qualities to my personality. To indulge that side of my personality, i would have friends come over and watch Disney movies and do different crafts. i would walk through the kids sections and baby sections in stores and admire all the toys and soft plushies and blankets, and i was always easily excitable over anything that reminded me of my childhood. When Daddy and i first started O/our dynamic, i always wanted to call Him Daddy, even before i ever knew that there was a DDlg community. It wasn’t until about a year ago that i started seeing a lot more littles online and came across a lot of memes about Daddys and littles that i really started putting two and two together. i would send some of these memes that i really connected with to Daddy and see what He thought about them. He would give a little chuckle or think they were really cute, but never really said too much more about them. i also started chatting a lot more with Daddy’s and my little friend in England around this time. Daddy was getting a lot of experience with her as she was going through a period where she was in little space quite a bit while talking to Him. Daddy and i would be at work and talking to her online through out the day when it was a bit slower. Through some of the chats i would notice myself getting pulled into little space and would start talking back to her in a more innocent like voice and with word pronunciations that i hadn’t used since my mother had taught me to speak them properly. It was an amazing feeling to slip into a much simpler mind set that felt so natural to me. Daddy would make comments here and there about my head space and give knowing smiles about what i was going through.

What are some of the struggles i’ve had with finding my inner little? Well my first real little space moments happened at work while chatting to my little friend. Things would get a bit complicated when a customer would walk in and i would have to chat with them like the adult that i looked like i was. At times it would throw my emotions for a loop being pulled back into an adult head space so suddenly and would leave me feeling a bit confused. i also had a hard time at first with different triggers that would pull me out of my head space. i learned pretty quickly that i am not a sexual little. When in little space anything sexual tends to bring me out of my head space and leaves me feeling a bit down. i also tend to have problems when Daddy calls me kitten while i am in little space. i feel like part of that is that it is a trigger for being in kitten space and part of it is that i am also sexual in kitten space. The only other big struggles have been that of O/our business life. W/we do own O/our own retail store and sometimes business makes it hard to have my little time when needed.

How would i describe my little space? i would say that i am still discovering my little side. i used to say that i was age 3-7. i liked stuffies and blankies and sippy cups. i liked colouring and watching Disney in blanket forts. Too old to be into pacis or diapers or onesies/jumpers, but too young and not independent enough to be a middle. i still slip into that side of my little space at times, but i now sometimes slip into a younger head space where i love my pacis and adult onesies and all i want is to cuddle and be silly. i don’t wear diapers when in this head space, not because i have a problem with it, i just don’t feel like it is something that i am missing in my mind set. Being in my little space is the most freeing feeling. Outside of impact play and some other adult like scenes, it is the only time that i completely let go of all my stresses of my adult life and can just be silly, innocent and happy, worry free. i’m not sure how all of that stuff just disappears out of my head, but it is an incredible experience.

What kinds of things do i do in little space? This all depends on the schedule, if W/we have to do any errands and what kind of head space i am in. Activities include; colouring, lego, play-doh, crafts, baking (with Daddy of course), watching movies, having Daddy read books to me, playing with my stuffies, cuddling, shopping with Daddy, dressing cute and playing games. Daddy took me and O/our England friend to build-a-bear and W/we also went to a petting zoo while in England. There are so many fun things to do with a little. Usually i put my hair up in pigtails or a ponytail with bows. Daddy will fill up my sippy cup and use my little dishes for meals.

The last thing i want to touch on is the newest evolution in my mind sets. i have noticed lately that i can be in little space and suddenly will do something that triggers my kitten head space to come out. They don’t seem to stay out at the same time, but more like a light switch. It has been pretty confusing and usually i just slip right back into the first head space after a moment. i have heard of some people have both head spaces coincide at the same time and i am not sure if that is what might start happening for me, or how that will work, but i guess time will tell.

Thank Y/you for reading and hope this helps out anyone else who may be going through trying to figure out their own head spaces.

Marriage vs BDSM Dynamic

This isn’t going to be a long blog but more of a rambling of what is going on in my mind right so I apologize to those reading that are used to my scripted blogs. 🙂

I have been married to my submissive for going on three years.  We have only been in a dynamic for over 2 years.  Going back even further, we have been together for approximately 9 years.  We aren’t a normal couple by any means as we can’t stand being away from each other.  For the past 6 years we have had our retail business together which means we live, work, sleep and do everything together.

Some people have asked Me about my Dominance over her and then ask about our marriage and I have had a few people even ask “Which one is more important to you?”.  The answer to that question is now the basis of this blog.

A good marriage is one that is based on a common understanding of each other and mutual goals.  Then you throw love, commitment and all those things into it to finish it off.  It about two people finding each other, falling in love and deciding to intertwine two lives into one.

A good BDSM dynamic is one that is based on a high level of trust, commitment, dedication, respect and a common understanding of what each other want out of the dynamic.  Sure, you can throw in love and such but that doesn’t need to be in there.

Now, marriage to me is all about two people working together for common goals.  Two people with two separate minds that both have a level of control in the relationship.  This can include separate bank accounts, separate individual goals and other things that, although the two are married, divides them.  This division can grow and grow until at some point you realize that your common goals you once had are no longer the common goals that you want.  That you are now fighting over things that matter to you which didn’t matter to you at the beginning.  You start to have turf wars over things that you want to maintain control over or to take control over because the other person may not be controlling it properly.  The end result in most marriages is divorce, as proven by oodles of data over many, many years.  My theory is that two people that meet early on in life and do not continue to keep the initial connection going will end up down different lanes in the highway of life.

Now, as you can figure out, I was married to My submissive for a while before we entered into a BDSM dynamic.  The marriage was perfect and my wife was perfect.  Everything was completely amazing!  We had already been experimenting with elements of BDSM and she was pushing for wanting more.  I had always told her that she was to strong willed to offer submission to me.  We played with it for a long time but it wasn’t until shortly after our marriage that she finally felt ready and committed to moving ahead.

Well, the time came and we officially entered into a BDSM dynamic and surprisingly things changed and continue to change daily.  What I started to realize is that the connection we had when we were married was no where near the connection we have in our BDSM dynamic.  Rather then two married people being committed and sharing the control in the relationship, we are now in a situation where all the control has been handed off to Me.  That control means that we stay on a mutual path through life but it is a LOT more then that.

The overall care, happiness and livelihood of My wife is in my hands and if I fail to care for them then we fail in our dynamic.  With that statement is really where the magic happens and things start to blossom.  Every decision I make in life now is analyzed as to whether it will be mutually beneficial.  There is never a time when we go out of the house that I am not watching out for her every move and keeping her extra safe.  she is the most precious thing that I have owned and I want to make sure that I treat her as such and express my appreciation to her every moment of My life.  This is something that you can start to appreciate and understand when you get married but until you enter into a successful BDSM dynamic, you haven’t experienced anything yet.

So now the question comes up:  Do I hold our Dynamic at a higher level of importance then our Marriage?  The answer isn’t as simple as saying yes or no.  It is very much different.  The Dynamic has done more for us as a couple then the marriage has and it continues to grow.   The Dynamic will also be the thing that keeps us going on a mutual path through life as we accomplish our goals together.  But the marriage will always be the foundation at the root of everything.  The Dynamic can always potentially fail but we have the commitment of marriage to fall back on as a safety blanket.

Little Space from a Daddy Doms perspective

My children have now mostly grown up and are starting to go on adventures of their own in search of starting their life adventures.  I have loved every second of being a Dad and I was one of those Dad’s that would do anything for his kids.  In theory, I was more of a Mom role then a Dad role with them growing up because I was the caring and compassionate one in the relationship.  Even to this day when my kids are 14 and 17, they are still my world.

Many years later after a failed 13 year marriage, I found my true soul mate in My kitten.  We have been married for going on three years and in a D/s dynamic 24/7.  I am happier then ever but then it got even better about 6 months ago.  My submissive/wife found a little space that I can honestly say was always there but we weren’t able to give it a name.

One thing that always intrigued me about kitten is that she would act exactly like one.  She would cuddle me, head bump me and paw at me at every chance she had.  She would talk in a little voice at times when asking for things or if she wanted to do something.  At the beginning I just thought it was a cute thing that I adored but it has blossomed into something a lot more then that now.

As soon as we started our journey into D/s we released that I could give her true kitten play time which was fun and exciting.  The ability to be the animal persona that you have always been but with strictness and intent.  This was amazing for both of us and if we had more time, kitten would be able to come out in pet play a lot more but that isn’t the reality of our busy lives.   It takes planning out blocks of time to do kitten play and that is hard for us.

And now we come to the part that is the title of the blog. 🙂  I think the lack of time for kitten play may have jump started the ‘little’ persona in kitten and made it grow a lot quicker.  We also have a friend in the UK who is little space 24/7 when she is talking to me and once her and kitten starting talking I noticed that kitten was taking on a lot of the same qualities.    Looking back, I can’t remember if it was kitten or I that really noticed it but the little space moments didn’t last long at the beginning as it was very hard for kitten to give up the adult brain.

Once it was recognized and labeled, kitten was determined to learn to enjoy this new found sense of freedom from adult reality.  Over the next few months it started with coloring books and children’s movies which worked well.  Then it was PJ’s, sippy cups, stuffies, lego, play-dough and children’s stories.  Finally we have evolved the little space into onesies and pacifiers.  Most nights after work involve some heavy little space time where she is told to put on outfits or grab her sippy cup and paci.  She immediately goes into little space and stays there till after we are asleep.

Little space is usually associated with triggers.  I have the ability to put her into little space and also pull her out of it.  Now, putting her into little space can be done at any time but pulling her out of it is a LOT harder and confusing to her if it isn’t done right.  The first trigger i have is names and this is a powerful one.  When in little space she is My “pumpkin” but in adult space she is my “kitten”.  Other more confusing triggers involve things like allowing her to check her phone and then she sees business stuff pop up and  BAM, she is out of little space and has almost withdrawal symptoms.  So, if I want to keep her in one type of headspace then I really need to pre-plan for everything.

Now, from a Daddy Dom perspective, what are some of the pros and cons of being a Daddy Dom?  Let me list some below and we will chat about each one in a bit more detail:

• kitten gets to free her head
  • This is a bonus for kitten and Myself.  kitten is a tightly wound individual at most times that takes on a lot of stress which can manifest into frustrating moments over smaller things during the day.  These smaller moments of frustration can be very stressful for those around her as she is focal.  I feel that the little space has helped reduce down her life stress and has made those frustrating moments less intense and frequent.  Therefore my stress is reduced too.
• I get to be a Daddy again
  • The feeling that I get when I am being relied on and requested for even the small things is invigorating.  Brushing kitten’s hair in the morning, reading a bed time story, filling up her sippy cup MANY times a night, or carrying for boo-boo’s are things I used to live for when my kids were little.  Being able to come home with my adult kitten and then instantly get her into little space is amazing.  The Daddy part of Me loves little space.
• Non-sexual little space
  • This is the single biggest hurdle that I have had to get over in the little space and I didn’t want to bury it at the bottom so we will talk about it now.  kitten is a non-sexual little and even the conversations have to be non-sexual or I get a cute scowl from her.  As a VERY sexual Dominant, this means less sexy time as little space is a big part of her home time now.  What I have learned to do in this situation is multi leveled.  If I want a sexual scene or sexual contact then I will not get her into little space when we get home by telling her that I want my kitten tonight.  This is a way to let her know that the night will have sexy stuff in it.  If she falls into little space naturally then I can pull her out by using her “kitten” name to ensure she doesn’t slide into her little brain.  But in the end, I have less sexual release since kitten has found her little persona.  I substitute it for more masturbation and better pre-planning for sexually frustrating times.  In giving up some sexual release, I get a lot of other attention that my body craves like being a Daddy again.
• little days!
  • This is one side of the little time that I am going to take advantage of a lot more when the weather gets a little warmer.  We agreed a few months ago that every single month we would plan at least one day where it was all about little.  We would go do something exciting in public or in private which involved complete little space.  Outfit wise involves pig tails and bows but since kitten is not into embarrassment, there are no paci’s or anything that would visually identify her as a little.  This adds a whole new challenge to the Daddy Dom because you have to keep the adult brain turned off.  In private it is easy but in public it is VERY hard.  I think on our next outing, her cell phone will be taken away because it is too hard for her to remain in little space when work starts calling.  We are working on this and i will update this blog or write a new one when it is all figured out.

I am sure there are more pros and cons but I am also sure that there will be either updates to this blog or I will write a new one as “Part 2” at some point.  So we will sum up my overall thoughts about little space.

Little space is an amazing place that allows your submissive to be free from the adult world and reduce stress.  One of the major things about submission to us has always been about passing off 100% of the control to the Dominant and reducing stress so little space to us is almost taking that to a deeper level.  Complete reliance on your Dominant to take care of the submissive’s needs at all times.  As things progress in our dynamic, I can see things making more sense and a normality to the things we do.  As first things are hard, awkward, weird but as time goes on we start to learn from those things, refine them and enjoy them as “normal”.  I wouldn’t give up little space for the world and can’t wait to continue to grow it.

Punishment – What is it all about?

It is my belief that EVERY Dominant/Master should have punishments in their dynamic.  I feel that the ones that do not have it in their dynamic will end up growing at a slower pace but I will explain that as we get further into the discussion.  We are also going to discuss some misconceptions of punishment that make me shake my head.

Lets start with some confusion and discuss “discipline”

Discipline is NOT the same as punishment but it can include punishment.  Discipline is the practice where the Dominant sets rules for the submissive that they are expected to obey.  When rules of expected behavior are broken, oftentimes, punishment is used as a means of disciplining.

The goal of discipline is to teach the submissive that they have made a mistake, so that they learn self-restraint and become a better submissive in future.  As the submissive keeps failing the same discipline, the punishments will tend to be more aggressive each time.

So what is a punishment?

Punishment Definition:
– the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.

The above definition is the one that I like best for punishments.  It describes what it is all about and why I feel it is a requirement in the D/s or M/s lifestyle.

Lets talk about the word “offense” for a second.  The D/s or M/s dynamic is based on Power Exchange.  In order to get to the point that a submissive/slave will submit to you the dynamic has to be built on Trust, Honor, Respect and Communication among other things.  The submissive/slave is to always trust that you are making the right decisions for both of your well beings and they must respect you at all times by following the rules and structure that you have in place.  There will always be times when the submissive/slave will break that Respect or will break a rule or fail to comply with the structure.  This is an offense and should be dealt with in a consistent, timely, proper and effective manner.

The other portion of the definition is “the infliction or imposition of a penalty”.  This is the actual act of providing the punishment in a hope to better correct the offending behavior but also to re-establish a common ground for both parties.  Punishments can be anything that will remind a submissive of the offense and you really have to think outside the box here.  What works for some will not work for others.  What ever happens, the key word here is “penalty”.

How do you go about providing a punishment?

I have steps that I follow when it comes to punishments and it works very well.  Here are my steps that I use:

1) Immediately recognize that an offense has been committed and acknowledge it to your submissive with details.
2) Allow your submissive/slave a chance to speak their mind and explain why and how the offense happened.
3) Check your head space.  If you are upset or angered then allow Yourself time to cool down.
4) Decide on a punishment that is suitable to the offense and present it to your submissive/slave.  Provide details on what will happen, when it will happen and reassure your submissive/slave that it is being done for their own good.
5) Follow through with your punishment until it is concluded.
5) Debrief afterwards with your slave/submissive and make sure that both of you understand what is expected in the future.  Remind your submissive that the offense has been dealt with in full and will not be discussed again but if the same offense takes place then a more strict punishment will be in place.

The reason I have steps for my punishments is so that I can be consistent and fair at all times.  When my submissive and I first entered into a D/s dynamic I was extremely new to the lifestyle.  It was my first D/s relationship and we both had to learn a LOT fairly quickly.  One morning I had told kitten to get out of bed and jump into the shower.  5 minutes later I went back into the bedroom and she was still in bed.  I woke her up and told her to get into the shower NOW!  As she got up and headed to the shower I gave her a slight smack on the ass and told her that I was going to have to punish her for the offense.  After she got out of the shower, she was obviously very upset and explained that she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t even hear me the first time.  At that point I felt VERY small as I knew that I had failed.  BUT, with failure there is always an opportunity to grow.  I discussed the situation with my Dom mentor who outlined what he does and it is similar to what you see above.  I failed to explain the offense properly.  I failed to get an acknowledgement from My kitten to make sure she heard and understood me.  I failed to listen to her side of why it happened.  It is my hopes that the people reading this will learn before following My failure.

What is so important about punishments?

Punishment is about neutrality in the dynamic.

Neutrality Definition:
– absence of decided views, expression, or strong feeling.

When an offense has been committed there is typically upsets on both parties.  The Dominant has been disrespected and the submissive has failed their requirements.  There is tension in this situation and there has to be a way of relieving it.  If it is not dealt with then there will always be a wedge driven between the people in the dynamic.  If you get enough wedges built up then it can mean disaster for the dynamic.

Punishment is the thing that removes those wedges and gets you back to neutrality.  It takes away all the “decided views, expression or strong feelings that have built up.  Basically, it gets you back on neutral ground with your partner.  There is nothing like the feeling that all the hurt, anger and such has been dealt with in full.

Some do’s and do not’s of Punishments:

Do NOT make it pleasant.  A pleasant punishment will not be taken seriously.  Therefore since a large majority of submissive’s enjoy spanking, perhaps that should be saved for non-punishments.

Do NOT punish the submissive out of anger.  Let the submissive know that you are upset and that you need some time to process the situation but that you will discuss it at a later point.  Punishment is a way to correct and become neutral with the submissive.  It is not a revenge thing.

Do not punish by disallowing Your submissive to communicate with You.  Communication is a huge part of any relationship and not allowing communication can completely destroy trust. Not to mention that a submissive will more times than not, feel abandoned or start filling their own heads with thoughts like; ‘maybe He doesn’t want me anymore’, ‘that’s it, I’ve ruined the relationship’ or ‘i’m not worthy of being His’.  These are devastating thoughts, but ones that most submissive’s will have in their heads when they are not able to talk to You.  Time outs would be suitable if it is used for short time as a way for the submissive to reflect on what happened.

Do NOT punish the submissive with avoiding or ignoring them.  This can also be called “pouting” and since we are all mature adults, we need to address the situation head-on and solve it.  Even saying things like “We will talk about this later” is not effective unless you are in a situation where it can absolutely not be talked about immediately.

Do NOT punish the submissive for anything in regards to soft or hard limits.  Those are there for the Dominant to strictly follow and never surpass.  If they are ever passed, you lose trust.  If you lose trust then you lose the dynamic.

Do allow safe words when punishment is being given.  Safe words are there to make the submissive feel safe and should be respected even in punishment.  If you decide on impact as punishment then it helps to reassure the submissive after each impact about how good they are doing.

Do accept the sub’s apology and also accept their guilt. After the punishment is done, the Dominant is back on neutral ground with the submissive.  This is the perfect opportunity to discuss things and hug it out.  After that is done, it is time to move on and not dwell on what happened.

Do remember that when a submissive has done something wrong, they will usually make themselves feel worse than You ever could as a Dominant. A submissive does not like to let down their Dominant and that guilt will eat away at them. A punishment should be made with this in mind and the punishment in the end should take away that guilt from the submissive.

What options are there for Punishments?

This is the part that drives me crazy when talking to submissive, slaves and Dominants from time to time.  There are a large majority of BDSM dynamics where punishment equals inflicting pain.  I implore you to think outside the box!  There are tons of other punishments available to you but sometimes someone just has to flick on the light and make you understand this.  If you are a parent then this article may help you too.

First off, lets make a quick reference to actual real live dogs.  Now, I am sure I am going to get a few raised eyebrows but I want to reassure you that My bringing up dogs is not a direct reference to submissive’s.  It is just an analogy to better understand my following statements.  It is in direct relation to the spirit of living things and how you can damage that spirit.

When training a dog it used to be an appropriate training method to train a dog by inflicting pain when they didn’t listen.  Smacks on the nose, choke collars, pinch collars and such were deemed to be effective.  They were effective in bringing the behavior in-line with what you wanted and the dog realized that if he doesn’t want to be in pain then he must listen.  What you end up with is a broken spirited dog in the end that listens out of fear rather then listen to you because he trusts and respects you.

This same analogy could be applied to a Dominant that always uses impact as a source of punishment.  Imagine the submissive after years of being with that Dominant who always punishes with pain.  While a lot of submissive’s may crave the pain, there are other punishments available to the Dominant to at least mix it up while allowing the dynamic to grow.

Now to “think outside the box” for a second and discuss punishments that are available keeping in mind the submissive’s limits that are in place.

• Physical punishments are the most common.
  • Impact play related (flogging, whipping, belting, caning and spanking).  Some add to this by making the submissive count and say thank You and ask for another.
  • Kneeling on the floor on something such as rice, dried peas, lego
  • Cold showers (A couple days of cold showers will absolutely get the point across)
  • Having the submissive hold a pose such as “Endure” which is a very uncomfortable pose where the submissive fully squats with legs apart and hands tucked behind their head with elbows raised and fully extended.
• Psychological and humiliation
  • Standing in the corner naked for a time out
  • Holding a coin against the wall with only their nose.
  • Being forbidden to look at your Dom in the eyes for a period of time.
  • Having the Dominant take a picture of the submissive naked but holding a sign saying they are “sorry” or “please forgive me”.  If you are involved in BDSM related social media then perhaps making the person post the picture online would be an option.  Please keep in mind that any nudity would need to be censored depending on where it is posted.
  • Washing the submissive’s mouth out with soap which works well for swearing or saying the wrong thing.
• Non-pleasant options
  • For littles – Take away their favorite stuffy for a period of time.
  • No TV or video games.
  • No sugar products including only drinking water if they were used to sweeter options.
  • Writing lines the old school way.

All the above can be VERY effective depending on the dynamic in question.  You can go as mild as listed or as wild as you want depending on the limits that are place.

Finally, the most important thing to keep in mind is that the punishment has to match the offence.  If the offence is minor and the punishment is major then you have to ask yourself what you would do for a major offence?  It is like judging a diving competition and the first diver does a great dive and you give them a 10 out of 10.  The next diver does his dive and it is even better then the first one.  Take this into account when dishing out punishments.  Even pre-plan some things that you feel your submissive is going to mess up and align it with an appropriate punishment.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with cheat sheets!

Misconceptions that make me shake my head

Yep, I said I was going to recite some misconceptions that I hear about online quite a bit.  Now, if these work in your dynamic then who am I to tell you that it doesn’t work right?  Absolutely right, what works for you works for you.

• I don’t have punishment in My dynamic because I don’t believe in punishments.
  • Response:  There are very few situations where a submissive will break a rule and there is no ill feelings with either party.  In my opinion, this would only happen if there is connection at all between the Dominant and the submissive.  So, if you have no punishments in the dynamic then how do you neutralize those ill feelings???
• My submissive likes to be punished so I am not sure what I am supposed to do.
  • Response: If your submissive likes the punishments then guess what?  YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!  Punishments are not supposed to be enjoyable.  Do something that your submissive will not enjoy.  If you submissive loves spankings then treat that as a reward.  If My submissive enjoys cake, I am not about to give her a piece every time she does something wrong.

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Who Has the Power in a D/s or M/s Dynamic?

The first time i saw this question posted, my immediate response was “duh, the Dominant/Master has the power.” Then i read the comments below and was shocked and confused by what i was reading. i would say about 75% of the responses said the submissive has all the power, 15% saying the power is equal and about 10% saying the Dominant has all the power. This question has popped up on sites way more times than i would ever have thought since then and it always seems to be the same for responses.

So why is there so much confusion in this question? Why does 75% of people who respond to this feel that the power in a dynamic is completely with the submissive?

i am sure that some of the confusion is that people are not paying attention to those three little words ‘in a dynamic’, bu i have a few theories outside of that to answer those questions. One being that people are talking about negotiations and limits that are created before the submission takes place. In which case, yes, the submissive has power there, because they have not submitted yet and are not yet in a dynamic with the Dominant. i would hope they would have power still, because they haven’t given over their power and not having power at this point would make it abuse. To somewhat quote a friend: Limits are a picture of the dynamic drawn by the Dominant and the submissive. The picture/dynamic is then coloured by the Dominant, however they wish. Limits are not power. A dynamic is called a power exchange for a reason. If you are a submissive and you feel that you have all of the power in the dynamic, than you should feel like you aren’t getting what you need, because a submissive person craves to give their power to a Dominant and trust that They will take care of you. If you like feeling like you have the power in the dynamic, than maybe you are not as submissive as you think? If You are a Dominant in a dynamic and You feel like the submissive has all the power, than maybe your submissive has not handed You the power that they should have when they submitted to you. If you don’t feel like You have the power in the dynamic than You should probably evaluate why You feel that way and figure out whether it is working for You.

The second theory i have is that people are looking at safe words being used in a dynamic. A safe word gives a submissive the power to end a scene whenever they want, which means that a submissive has all the power right? Wrong. A safe word is not a power word. It is a safe word, to be used when a submissive is unsafe mentally/physically or they have reached their limit mentally/physically in a scene. If a safe word is being used to have control over the Dominant or a scene, than it is time to look at communication and discipline, because the submissive is now topping from the bottom and not living up to their side of the power exchange.

The other comment i have read is that a submissive can end the power exchange at any point, which gives them all the power. Well the Dominant can also end the power exchange at any point. This means that their is no longer a dynamic and you are supposed to have your power back. It is no longer a case of anyone having the power in the dynamic, if there is no longer a dynamic.

Now, i agree that being submissive in a dynamic can feel very powerful, because as a submissive, we are getting exactly what we need in our dynamic. It is a very intense feeling to have that kind of connection with someone who you trust that much, but it is not the same thing as having power in the dynamic. Also, being really cute and adorable may get you something you really want now and then, but that is called being in a relationship with someone who loves you, not power in your dynamic.

Bottom line is that being in a (D/s, M/s) dynamic means that negotiations are done and a submissive has handed over their power to the Dominant. Giving the submissive what? No more power in the dynamic. If your Dominant tells you to do something, you do the thing. That is power, that is what a submissive craves. Yes Sir imma do the thing, because You said so and i need to feel like a good girl/boy.

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What is Kitten Play?

Kitten play is something i came across early on in my journey and fell in love with right away. A lot of times when i tell people that i am into kitten play, they ask me all kinds of questions about it. Things like; what is it? What makes you a kitten? What is involved in kitten play? Do you use a litter box? So here i am going to explain a bit about kitten play in general and also what it is like in my dynamic.

So what is kitten play in a dynamic or scene? It is where one person is in the mind set of a kitten or just role play with kitten cosplay and the other person is in the mind set of an owner/caregiver or sometimes just enjoy seeing their partner in kitten cosplay. There is a wide range of how kitten play is used in dynamics from, just wearing cat ears and acting cute, all the way to wearing a full cosplay and entering a complete mind set of a kitten, where they cannot care for themselves at all.

What is kitten cosplay? Kitten cosplay can involve any of the following; cat ears, cat tail (plug or detachable), paw mitts (or just mitts that make your hands stay in a fist shape), leg restraints so that a kitten can only walk on their knees, fur leggings (usually knee or thigh high, which allows the kitten to wear knee pads to protect their knees from the hard ground), a collar and a leash. A kitten can be naked otherwise or sometimes will complete the outfit with cute panties, maybe a bra or maybe just cute garters with bells around the boobs. Some kittens will even do their make up to give them some extra kitten features.

How does one act like a kitten? There are many things that someone can do to make themselves more kitten like. Things like; head bumps (gently pushing your head into your partner), kneading your partner with your paws (curling your fingers into an almost fist and lightly curling your knuckles against your partner), curling up into a fetus position against your partner and maybe even rolling from that onto your back against them, swatting playfully at zippers and other dangling things on your partners clothing, playing with cat toys, squinting at your partner (like a cat does when showing they trust you), pushing into their hand when they pet you (including full body pets and pushing wherever the hand goes), licking your partner, even light nips (especially places like their chin, nose or elbows), playfully grabbing (with paws, no thumbs!) their hand when they touch your belly and many other things. Basically mimic any behaviors that you see a cat/kitten do.

How does one communicate as a kitten? Obviously a cat can’t speak any human languages, which includes motions like nodding or shrugging or giggling (which yes can be hard to stop yourself from doing as a new kitten), so we have to improvise. Meowing, purring (if you can, if not make a sound that is similar that you and your partner knows is you purring), hissing, growling, panting. As for communicative actions, you have pawing, kneading, nudging with your nose. Be creative. The more you play with your partner, the easier time they will have knowing what your meows and other communications mean. An example with my Daddy is that when He asks me a yes or no question, if the answer is yes, i meow. If the answer is no, i do nothing.

How can your partner participate in kitten play? There are the easy things like; petting you, scratching you lightly, patting you on the bottom, etc. There are also things like playing fetch (yes, you can do this with a cat to, just keep in mind, a cat won’t always bring it back), getting a toy on a stick (the ones with handles that have long dangly things and maybe even a mouse on the end), laser pointers (just be careful about your partners eyes). Even giving them cat like challenges like; jumping onto or off of a taller piece of furniture or act like a cat in heat. Teaching them tricks is even a great way to interact with your kitten. Think about what kinds of things you would do with an actual cat/kitten and incorporate them into your dynamic (with in reason of what the human body can actually do obviously).

Other aspects that can be incorporated into kitten play, depending on how serious into it you and your partner are, is things like having cat bowls for food and water, using a litter box or having your own cat bed (modified sizing is probably needed). It can be as simple or as complex as you wish for it to be.

As for my dynamic, Daddy and i do basically all of it, except for using a litter box. i have a full cosplay (ears, tail, mitts, leggings, modified panties for my tail to fit through, knee pads, collar and leash). Sometimes W/we use the whole outfit, sometimes just use certain pieces. As soon as my kitten collar goes on, i have a whole set of rules to follow for kitten play. These rules include things like; no talking or human like actions to communicate, if W/we are at someone’s house, i am not to go on furniture without being invited (in kitten play) and i must stay on all fours (except when doing tricks). i have bowls that i eat and drink out of (note: if you have pets, you may want to keep an eye that they are not using the bowls to). Daddy teaches me tricks and plays fetch or tries to get me to catch the toys in my mouth or bat them back to Him with my paws. Play time can be a very good work out as a kitten!

Kitten play is just one form of pet play. Some people do puppy play, mouse play, pony play, large cat breed play, bear play, wolf play and many more. Some people are also hybrid animals during pet play. i have also heard of people who are a dinosaur or a bat or even a fish. So keep an open mind if you feel pet play may be something that you would enjoy!